Tuesday, December 11, 2012


over the past month ive just about seeked out every source of inspiration i can get. i think its funny what can inspire us some times. a rejection letter, a girl, ignorance, hate. but when i hit rock bottom a few times, when i really needed the extra kick in the ass to tell myself that this is all gonna be worth it, that yes the journey matters but who are we kidding so does the damn destination, and the destination is gonna be fucking delicious. when i needed it, it was a culmination of all of these things that got me through. it wasn't taking a little bit here and it a little bit there for inspiration, it was its own thing, its own feeling. grudges are one hell of a weapon. its amazing how little a spark you need to set ablaze such a magnificent fire. when you start observing the world and you take everything you don't like in it and take it as a shot against you, you say fuck you im gonna get better. with what i do, with who i am, with what im about, im gonna get goddamn better and you go for it. you will not fail because the act of going for it is the only test. the destination WILL be reached because the destination is the RESULT of the journey. it is not somewhere i am trying to get to along the way. for me its gettin easier. when im all alone and need a little shove to get up, to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep growing, i remember not too long ago when i was all alone, ditched with nobody to go to. i remember how i made something better for myself and how that something better IS the life im living today, so if i dont keep going, if i dont keep giving it my all im not going to ever avenge those tears of that boy who sat alone in his room on friday nights wishin that he could just have a best friend to talk to. i need to keep living his dream because thats all hes got. and when all youve got is a dream, the realities of life don't seem all too real anymore. love becomes distant and you become colder and colder and colder. 

if i dont give it my all, if i dont sacrifice my entire life to being alive, then this life isnt worth living at all. what more inspiration do you need. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

the greatest day of my life.

I never really thought about it, but as soon as I did I realized that this was the best day of my life. I never thought I'd be able to select something like this out of so many good days that I've had, but this one had everything. There was not a single scent of nostalgia in the air. Everything I had ever missed was right beside me as well as inside of me. I had somebody whom I loved, loving me all the same. I had many new great friends, as well as the old. My family felt like a family that day for the first and last time I can remember. I was hiking through my favorite place on the planet, Yosemite. I don't even remember the actual date, but I know this was the greatest day of my life. Running around God's canvas provided with me with an energy that I hadn't felt in quite some time. I felt as I did during my boyhood running around in the yard in a world full of bliss, only this time it was a stone canyon paradise. It was the first time I saw or talked to my brother in over a year and it was the best feeling ever. We ran and explored and just let ourselves take in every bit of beauty. We joked and we mocked each other, and then cooled off at the footsteps of a gigantic waterfall gracing itself over a cliff. We got lost. We got found. Got a text saying "I love you." I didn't need anything more, I'll never need anything more than that. It was bliss, it was beautiful, it was perfect. I was free, I was young, but most importantly I was one. My heart was one for the first time in ages. My family was one for the first time in ages. My world was one for the first time in ages. I was happy, the happiest I have ever been. This was the greatest day of my life, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it more than anything in the world. I miss my family. I miss my brother. I miss Yosemite. I miss my heart. I miss my happiness. But I know that it won't be too long before I'm back. And once I'm back I'll feel it all again like I had on the greatest day of my life. I can't wait.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


when life gets you down you get back up and fuck life in the face. you go harder than you ever went before. you may just go insane...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


im not one of those white kids whos about to attempt to pursue a rap career. but ever since i was little ive written poetry and got made fun of it quite a bit through out grade school so i always just wrote it to myself or people that really got me. but since i listened to so much rap throughout grade school i really fell in love with the art and when i dont feel like writing poetry all the time sometimes ill put on an instrumental and just write to that. its not really poetry or rap its kind of an in between that ive come to love. so i just let go whenever i wanna. no structure, no formatting, no bullshit. ive said from the start this blog is my new journal. id be ashamed of myself if it was formatted in ANY way.

Its a night like this, a few years back in my room no chicks,
wishin I would die or the time would pass by
its never easy living life with nobody givin two shits
now we find ourselves smokin two spliffs, dont know where were goin or what were doin but these paths that were choosing are making us who were gonna be in the future, doesn't help me forget the blonde in the cute shirt, sittin in class callin me a loser, too afraid of drugs to be an abuser so I sat in my room at night with only my music to talk to goin back to school on monday everybody thinking im an awkward fool or maybe it was all in my head and now im reading these threads about these people who are depressed and don't have a lot to live for, starvin themselves hungry with insanity knockin on their door, and Im thinkin to myself that I was just like them, and every single one of them is why ill never let go of the pen. If only I can save a single life before it all its the fan, because each and every is so beautiful goddamn.  

Thursday, October 11, 2012

something for a friend.

seven months back when i was struggling to even breathe
fearing that the people i needed no longer needed me
my heart cut out of my chest just like an amputee
and then an old friend of mine gave me a life changing guarantee
we hadn't talked in awhile so it caught me off guard
i wasn't even in the mood to chat i was so scarred
but he wasn't about to take no for an answer no matter how hard
a friendship is a friendship doesn't matter where you are
he told me i was wide open and it would take a lot of time
like a piercing without the jewels i'd close up just fine
that the pain that i was going through was all part of the design
of this life that we live you can't have highs without declines
i trusted him he's my buddy what else was i to do
he's a genuine kid i should've known that he'd come through
for awhile i dug inside myself and really withdrew
but that's what it took to stand up and become new.

a little over a month ago i saw him again
late summer night just partying with some friends
it took a moment but then i got to thinking remember when
he reached out to me and let me see my life through a new lens
we hugged and he told me that he dug my creativity
and i can't even being to tell you how much this inspired me
to this very day to simply keep doing what i'm doing
felt like pre-k again when i first learned to tie my shoe strings
you can't put a price on when a friend has your back
one from back in the day when we ran for the plaques
don't talk too much anymore but it doesn't matter
because every time we do it's the most meaningful chatter
through and through he helped me like no other
safe to say he's like a big brother
through and through in the past few months i grew
i guess all i'm trying to say is thank you.

Sunday, October 7, 2012


maybe im more depressed than i let myself believe. maybe im not as happy as i thought i was. maybe im not as recovered as i thought i was. maybe im just fucking delusional. i mean, i dont have many friends but its not a big deal because i dont need many. but thats because i dont like most people and i mean how sad is that. i read some and i watch a lot of films these days but the loneliness had crept up on me much faster than i thought it ever could. i just wish i didnt feel so fucked up just being me ya know? i wish i didnt feel like such a damn creep all the time. i wish i was okay with who i was and who im becoming. but fuck it, guess thats life right now.


remember when we kissed in the rain?
remember when our feelings didn't stay the same?
you sat there and you smiled while my mind ran wild,
you took us and burned it in the flames.
what a shame, what a shame.

as i inhale deep and fog my brain,
is this the man that i became?
sitting alone a midst pale skin tones,
wishing for myself that i could make a name.
what a shame, what a shame.

to regain that feeling blood pumping through my veins,
to contain my mind of all thoughts inhumane,
only time will tell for my dear mademoiselle,
a theatrical life full of nothing but stage names.
what a shame, what a shame, what a shame.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


There's not a second that goes by where I don't wish it were yesterday.
Proof that time really flies, running around the yard with the leaves getting blown away.
The red, yellow and orange would slowly turn to shades of gray. 
And I miss you. I miss you.

Dad always mixing up our names.
Endured the world, I know you're not to blame.
Not a single moment can ever feel the same.
And I miss you. I miss you.

I missed you at the age of twelve.
I cried at night because it felt like hell.
I washed my face so you could never tell.
Just think what it does to me now. 

Friday, September 28, 2012


took me long enough to realize, but the one thing i miss most is love.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


music doesn't love me like a lady can. but music will always love me. tough choice eh? but that's when i remember i don't have one. it was a lady who forced me to fall in love with the music, to fall out of love with her. music is lady, but lady is no music. you see, when you love a lady, love is the in between. love is the transition. love is the verb. but you cannot love music for music is that very verb! music is not a thing, it's an action. if you love music, then you music music, and you love love. it really is that simple. love is music. music is love. and god damn i miss her, whoever she may be.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Up and Up and Up.

i don't mean to reminisce, 
but i miss the days of a youthful bliss.
 i never knew that it would feel like this.
i never knew that i would feel your kiss. 
not that of the lips but that of the soul. 
one day i'll find the other half of my whole
.one day i swear i'll fill that hole. 
no matter how deep it goes, 
only me us and her will know.
 filling it up like water in a cup. 
up and up and up.

Sunday, September 9, 2012


my self esteem is low as fuck.


There's a lot of thoughts going through my head... just swirling around. At times they lift me up and put a smile on my face, but at times they leave me empty and confused. I have an overwhelming desire to try and articulate everything that I'm feeling to perfection but I have little faith in myself to do this right now, as I have little faith in myself to do anything... ever. I think... that my problem right now is that I haven't started on anything in awhile. You see... at this very point in time I have all of the seeds in front of me. In front of my very being is all of this potential, all of this life that could happen, that I could create. While one might point that out as a good thing, I am burdened by the fact that I don't know which seed to harvest, or at least harvest first. It seems such a silly dilemma to not know what option of all things to select but it again is my largest burden. And then beyond my very control comes more and more ideas, overflowing my mind. I'm confused. I'm troubled in the best of ways. I see all of these staircases in front of me but I need to get myself to take the first step on ANY one of them, and then some peace of mind will be obtained for myself. I find it most unfortunate that life's most beautiful aspects are ridden bittersweet. I'm starting to gain perspective on things I've never seen before. It's coming full circle. It's breaking my heart. I feel so guilty and as I should for I longed for the exact same rhythm and flow for so long. I'm starting to question the fibers inside of me. What am I made of? What the fuck am I really made of? And then the idea that scares me the most. Maybe love became part of the map. Maybe I'm becoming less of myself by the day, less of everyone by the day, less of it all by the day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid as I'm typing this but something about the fear inside of me doesn't feel quite right. It's not as strong as I know fear to be. As we become older do we build up an immunity to our emotions? I sure hope not... I like living. But as time goes on I've noticed I feel less highs and lows. It's not getting better either. More just a steady flow of sameness, a happy medium, except it's not quite what I know to be happy. With all of these seeds in front of me, with all of this potential for life and growth, I think it's time to go back to my own seed. I need to dig back inside of myself to remember who I am and maybe even rediscover myself yet again. Yeah... I think I'll do that. Something seems off, but not quite off as it usually does.  

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


I am sea. I am tree. I love you from the top of my heart. Three.
Repeat after me. I am free. I love you with all of my heart. She.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


It took me too long to figure this one out, but it finally hit me. There's a reason why they call live music live music. It is because you are truly alive when listening to it. The difference between the two words is absolutely nothing. Live and live. Maybe this is because all of life is live, its always right now, always in the now. I have seen a decent amount of shows in the past year. (Consider the Source, The McLovins, Company of Thieves, Beats Antique, Fun., Phish, Santana, The Allman Brothers, Gathering of the Vibes fest, Yale String Quartet, and Suitcase Rodeo, with a few others.) A lot of it isn't just unlike the others, but on complete opposite sides of the music spectrum. What I have taken in is that I can be inspired in so many different ways. I can be inspired to laugh, to cry, to love, to hate, to everything. I've had the honor of being a part of so many spectacular live moments that it's like learning a new language. Eventually you learn more accurate words to describe situations and occurrences, so why would you ever going back to only using the first word you ever learned? The difference here is that the language I've been learning over the past year is music. It's not that haven't been able to speak it, but this is the first year I've gone to a considerable amount of shows, so I think of it as the first time I've really listened. Listening is important. For a perfect harmony there needs to be an even flow of giving and taking, listening and speaking. I've been getting closer and closer to this harmony, and musically I've never felt more comfortable in my life. I used to always wonder why people mindlessly bopped around looking like foolish baboons while music was being force fed to them. I always appreciated the creation of it, the composition of it. But where I was absurdly wrong was that to appreciate the music as a composer... a creator, you must appreciate it within the audience, feeling it with every limb of your body. It something much bigger than a single soul, something that should be deeply respected from within because from within it is felt. It's not what is being portrayed that makes live music alive. It is the fact that something is being portrayed at all, as simple or complex as one can desire. It's another language within itself, and now I find myself wondering how I could ever go back. Simple answer is that I can't and I won't. Emotions and feelings rise above language all too often, but what takes time to realize is that emotions and feelings coincide with the language of music and the arts. It is something us humans will eventually adopt as our primary languages because they are much more sophisticated, much more complex and detailed, but for now, we will carry on struggling with our basic, primitive words, sentences, and verbal haberdashery. We will remain who we are. Dead.

Monday, July 16, 2012


I'm not really sure what i'm going through right now. I feel like ive been discovering so much... so fast... and the problem isn't that of what im discovering... its that of me... the mere fact that im not sure i can take it all in as fast as its being handed to me. For now I think I'm okay with the current pace, but I feel like I'm running with someone whos just a tad faster than me. I need my time to inhale, to truly comprehend, and then go forth yet again and discover even more. There is just SO MUCH HAPPENING. Its a beautiful thing don't get me wrong, but true growth has to leave the one who is growing much feeling of discomfort.  Musically, spiritually, intellectually, artistically, instinctively... just growing. (ex: listened to a song tonight that i first heard back in january of this year. in january i absolutely hated it. i didn't understand it, it hurt my ears, it was hard to pick anything off of. i couldn't even get through the first layer of it. but that was the problem. see i had been looking at it all the wrong way. i looked at the piece of music as something you had to penetrate back then. that a song was a cup of water, and to get into the middle of it you had to go head first. now when i listened to the same song again, i fell in love with it. i didn't see it as a cup of water anymore, but in my mind i split the water into different sections. i heard everything individually and THATS how it came together as a whole. it can be one hell of a task to separate a substance such as water into smaller substances of water, or music into small bits of music, but doing just that helped me understand, to appreciate, and to enjoy.)

You can't see the ocean and not see the waves. You can't see the waves and not see the ocean. Try it.

 Often times this extensive growth and discovery of self and surroundings has left me more uncomfortable than i'm comfortable with. weird thing to say i know, how can anyone be comfortable with being uncomfortable... but I know deep down that being uncomfortable only means that growth is occurring. What I have NOW learned is that constant growth is useless. There needs to be check points along the way (not to appreciate the growth, that only builds the ego) but to appreciate all that is. Life, living, and all that jazz. Often times I also find myself really missing that anchor in my life, something that I can always come back to and know that it's gonna be there for me, the same as it always was. There's a sense of comfort that comes with that, that I can't deny. I can't. I am one who gets easily disgusted with repetitiveness, constantly appreciating the "new", constantly begging for change, not for the sake of change, but for the sake of growth itself. But I need that something, I need that one thing. Not sure what it is yet. I'll get back to you. Hopefully...
The idea that happiness is only real when shared is becoming more and more evident in my life as well. It's something that has always hit a special note inside of me, but it just becoming more and more real. This being the case I expect it to be that more real as I continue to grow. However the irony lies in the fact that as I continue to grow, I have less and less people to share this happiness with. Less and less people understand me. Less and less people see my vision, share my dreams, my goals, my day to day aspirations. There's an impending feeling inside of me that soon enough, very soon in fact, that I won't have anybody to share the happiness with. The feeling that no matter what one may say, what one may intend, it's not them that will leave me, it's me that will leave them. I feel as though I am traveling at a pace (on my own path) that is just too fast for any soul to keep up with, losing myself further and further on my own trail of life. Losing myself in the sense implies that it's something that I don't want to be happening, and that's not true. I want to go down my trail as fast I possibly can! Who wouldn't? But at the same time the discomfort that I am feeling is coming from leaving my anchor behind. Leaving everything I've known into a constant unknown. Conflicted would be a good word to describe the situation. The inner turmoil which I am experiencing is not something I have any idea how to solve... only adding to the situation. I think... i think... (haha. i know jack shit.) i think... that one of the hardest things for me is the realization that i can't just share my life with someone. Think about it. what greater happiness than life... and if happiness is only real when shared (which i believe it is) than life is only real when shared. And how on earth can I be happy when I can't share my life with someone? Not for approval, not for support, just to be together. It's funny how simple of a concept that can seem at first but how many complex annotations it carries along with it. Be together. Even just the word. It's so simple... so basic in it's outer shell. Be. But deep inside it's everything that it bring along that makes simply being, not so simply being. Of course I understand that my path will cross into others eventually, and maybe paths can intertwine. But the fact of that matter is, any path who is headed towards collision with mine, is going to have about, at least 20 years of unknowing.
Has the past 19.5 years been filled with unhappiness? I don't think so...

Think... not know...

This leads me to think about whether happiness has to be shared with the same person for it to be true happiness. Maybe there are different levels of happiness. Maybe that's the ultimate happiness. Life. To be, and just to BE. together. I don't know. I'll never know. I'll only grow. Check back on this one later.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

once in a blue moon.

so many times i get made fun of, or questioned, or simply just looked at with a sense of confusion. it confusing to me because if im not always pursuing a women, all of my friends simply think that im hiding something from them. your answer is no, its just that our priorities are not at all the same. my greatest aspirations will not be interrupted by the basic pleasures of life. the st important lesson i learned in high school (not because it was told to me, but because i lived it) is that 'fun is the end result of hard work, everything else is just cheap entertainment.' however it was often brought up that cheap entertainment is indeed needed, and that is what this blog post is for. its something i rarely think about or even concern myself with because there is so much more in this world than simple pleasures, but yeah they are nice sometimes and yes once in a blue moon it does get to me. however it is certainly something i have grown to get used to as well. i've been called ugly and goofy the majority of my life and i specifically remember times throughout school when i merely touched an article of clothing or brushed against someone by accident and had people muttering to their friends about how they need to burn their clothing or take a very long shower to be clean again. in a way i am thankful because i've hardened up and its made me realize the more important aspects of life, but it still comes around to get me every once in awhile. on nights like these i think about how often i try not to let it bug me, or how little meaning it has in my life, and how it came to be. its like one of these days its just gonna swallow me up. a compilation of all the shallow desires ive ever had will finally come back to eat me. it makes me angry that this gets to me but it does. i dont know why. i dont have an explanation for it. im not even necessarily looking for one. but we'll come back to that later. its really made me into who i am though. i am possibly the least touchy person you'll ever meet because im too afraid that i'll get practically yelled at (or the equivalent in some other form). its just gets really hard to live with every once in awhile. thats all. the ironic part is that everyone comes to ME with their boy/girl problems. well... not everyone, but someone is ALWAYS coming up to me for advice or just to let all of their shit out on. every time i hear a story about how a boyfriend is fucking other chicks, or some guy is using you for your good looks, or your girl doesn't always go down on you when you want you to, im just caught thinking to myself like 'damn man, im 19, in college, and when every other guy and girl seems to be as horny as possibly can be, i just see so far beyond that. it has such a small signifigance in my life. but it still has some.' the problem is when i do desire something of that variety i do not even know where to begin. it sucks. most of the time i dont give a shit. most of the time if not all of the time its not even worth it. its just something i needed to get out. something that bothers me more than it should. its just part of breaking out of the norms that society has placed for us. its hard, but its a growing process. however, regardless of what society tells me i should be doing, its something that is still desired once in a navy crescent. unfortunately its nothing i can do anything about, and i guess we'll see how things go as time moves on. nothing to get down about, just a flee on the windsh

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The Valley "Behind the Scenes"

progressing with my work for 'the valley' which is comin out real soon. got asked to do a behind the scenes vid from a few people so i figured why not... narration for most of it... thar she blows:

When the Farmington Valley Film commission contacted me about creating something to be the opener for their summer film fete, at first I struggled to generate ideas as to what would be suitable, and worthwhile to them, to me, and to whoever would be watching. Knowing that the only limitations on what I could do was that I had to film specifically in the valley itself, I thought, why not capture the beauty of the entire valley, and what better a way to do it than with a series of time lapses taking in not only the most magnificent of scenes, but the little aspects that make the valley truly a special place.

When I first started talking to people about my idea, there was a surprising amount of interest that came along with it. Because it would be so hard to bring everybody along, a few people had asked me to make a behind the scenes video to really give people an idea of how much work actually goes into something like this, which is why this exists in the first place.

The scariest part along the way was the pressure to truly portray all that the valley is... to all of us. Not only the epic landscapes, breathtaking skyscapes and the memorable landmarks, but something I tried to really key in on was the human aspect of the valley as well. The trees and the mountains and the lakes were all here long before we were, and will be here long after we're gone, but the only thing to represent the present, the now, is us. The environment we live in coinciding with those who inhabit it is what I was primarily focusing on throughout the project.

One of the greatest challenges I encountered was the weather. Given only a month to complete the project I had to quickly determine where and when I was going to shoot, given whatever mother nature decided to dish out to me. Whether it be thunderstorm and tornado warnings, or rain droplets and morning dew getting on my lenses mid shoot, or having only one clear night a week to go out and shoot the stars demanding that I work around the clock, mother nature never failed at adding an extra level of stress to the work.

My favorite part of the project was definitely the people. Not only those who came along with me to some of the shoots, but to those I encountered along the way. From some crazy kids jumping off waterfalls to people slowing down their cars in the middle of the road to have driveby conversations with me about cameras and lenses and all things photography, it was a pleasant surprise to me as to where I found some of my inspiration.

Often times we forget that we live in such a beautiful area, but what I have learned in the past month is that we are also what makes this area as beautiful as it is. The cohesive flow of life hand in hand with the breathtaking nature around us is what makes the valley truly thrive. My only goal for this project became to capture that very flow, that raw beauty of everything that we are amerced in.

I hope more than anything else that its enjoyed and appreciated by all who live here, and have ever passed through. It feels good to finally give back to the place I have called home for so long. But I'm still not sure that any medium of art can truly do it justice.  

Sunday, May 20, 2012


recent thoughts while camping out at the beach with a few of my best friends. must've been told it was illegal to sleep on the beach about 50 times. must've told 50 different people that i don't give a fuck. it's not about being a "badass" of sorts or trying to be a rebellious kid. it's about understanding my surroundings and coming to the realization that this world is just as much mine as it is anybody elses. i refuse to listen to anybody. i use the tools the Earth has provided me with to continue my process of becoming. let's utilize what we have and enjoy it together, in happiness and love. keep in mind that there's nothing more disgusting in this world than those who seek authority. What is authority but an oblivion to love and compassion between the human race. We exist under rules and regulations, but we live, we flourish, by abolishing them... By breaking and extinguishing the very foundation that has been laid out for us to nitpick but not revolutionize. Size is irrelevant because imperium is a falsity. Don't let a single droplet of power hold any influence over your incomparable soul. Be you. Be free. Fear nothing.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Stitched Up


a good friend of mine came to me awhile back, and wanted me to write a song about some stuff in her life. so naturally i was really excited about it because i love listening and trying to portray things as i see fit. i love when people give me song ideas and tell me stories because i really get to walk in their shoes for a bit. so she just let out a shitton of shit basically and i went to town sorting through it all. i like how it came out i think. its kind of the story of a girl whos struggled with relationships and its being told from the point of view of a lifelong friend WAY down the road. again, the only people who sees these are you and the band. feel fortunate. hope you enjoy! heres the lyrics too:

Have you ever had a friendship that lasted for life?
However nothin passed that I already got me a wife.
Two peas in a pod and the tightest of tight,
Standing the test of time.

Back in school I was a secret admirer of such,
but the only secrets were the ones that were shared between us,
hearing love stories every tale of two hearts,
it was enough for me.

She had long brown hair with such beautiful eyes,
never had luck with the right type of guys,
I couldn't ever figure out how she remained all together,
but ignorance is bliss it was probably for the better

she said,
Hey hey,
im gonna float along today,
nothin in this world can bring me down right now,
and everything is gonna be okay.

I just want the world to know,
that my heart is stitched up and its more than enough,
everything is gonna be okay, hey hey.

I saw first hand when she was left broken hearted,
by her first true love who said “till death do us part” and,
thats when I held her close and said she'd always be my star,
and that'll never change.

Seven months later she was at it again,
this time much more careful with a well devised plan,
but she couldn't shake the spotlight couldn't get outta the sun,
and I just stood by.

(Bridge two)
It was habits and hardships, trials and tribulations,
workin everyday without a single paid vacation,
they say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all,
a smile across my face every time she'd call


Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay

Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay

Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay

Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Everything is gonna be okay



wait. before you read. listen to this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdSMZTSRQNc
okay now read...

I'm about a month away from being able to play out. Once I knock down Ancora I will have a set list of about an hour long and I can extend it whenever I please. When I do it'll be a weird vindication for me. I'll be playing along while people talk, or eat dinner, or do whatever else they are doing. It's rare that a pianist gets paid attention to in these settings. Typically deemed as background music, but I think it'll be rather symbolic of my life. I think there's a lot to me, and a lot inside of me, without many or even anybody seeing it. So while I'm playing everything that's inside of me, I will continue to be ignored. While it obviously hurts, I think I'm going to enjoy it quite a bit. It'll almost be like a secret with myself that only I know what I am playing while everybody else remains oblivious. That connection with oneself is very important to me. Some might think it's weird but I always talk to myself and make jokes with myself, ones that only I can understand. This will just be one of those jokes. Very stoked about the potential of this being a summer job.

Possible set list:

Opening - Phillip Glass
Monday - Ludovico Einaudi
Human Qualities - Explosions In The Sky
Nuvole Bianche - Ludovico Einaudi
Fly - Ludovico Einaudi
Arctic Light - Marika Takeuchi
Ritonnare - Ludovico Einaudi
Avril 14th - Aphex Twin
Oltremare - Ludovico Einaudi
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt (Bon Iver Version)
Divinere - Ludovico Einaudi
Nanou 2 - Aphex Twin
Ancora - Ludovico Einaudi
Facades - Phillip Glass

#1 Fan

It's funny. I've encountered two very different species of human beings over the last few months. One, being the positive, the other being the negative. For awhile however I was surrounded by only the negative. Because I was surrounded by a lack of diversity of thoughts and opinions, it became almost impossible for me to see the world through any other perspective. Being put last on someone's priority list certainly doesn't feel good. However being the only other perspective other than my own, I believed it with every bit of my soul. I believed that my mere existence was less important than schooling, working, being social.... the list goes on. While this naturally put me in quite the depression because my spirit and soul were consistently being degraded, I also buckled down and went to work. I reread one of my posts from back in November and I had said that I had a lot inside of me, but nothing to show for it. It makes me happy now because I have quite a bit to show for it now, and it's only been a few months since then. The big difference between now and then is that I have people around me that support what I do, on such a level that they want to be a part of it themselves. These are the positive people. These are the people that need to clone themselves to make the world a better place. I am also blessed because I got the chance to see both ends of it. Being so unappreciated allows me to appreciate the appreciation that is being shot my way these days. It's still kind of humorous to me at how fast it all happened. At one point sitting around watching tv was more important than helping me out a job that was previously agreed upon. Now my current surroundings are truly supporting me. People are truly taking their own personal time to just to have my back, and the best part of it is, is that it's not because they want to have my back, but it's because they actually like what I'm doing. Instead of being thrown on the back burner, people are driving for hours, skipping art classes, skipping school classes, asking to be involved themselves, and it makes me feel like I actually matter. I am also well aware of the fact that nothing I produce is as good as it can be, and by that I mean that every aspect of my life right now is a work in progress. So when somebody likes something of mine, I'm honored because they either like it at its current state, or what they think it will eventually become, leading me to believe that they have invested a great deal of trust in me to do something with it. It's such a weird feeling to be around someone who doesn't care about the big achievements in my life, the highlights, the best of the best, and then to be around people who care about every little detail... some of my bizarre ideas, what I'm doing at every single moment, what I had for lunch, if I even had lunch. What constantly runs through my mind, is how people can care so little about someone. That's not what this world is for. This world was made so that we can interact, and support, and love. Everyone should be everyone else's #1 fan. Taking our own time to support those we love, as well as those we do not is crucial. Everyone deserves to feel loved, to feel cared about, and to feel important.

We are all important.

I firmly believe that even if somebody is not doing something that is anything spectacular quite yet, the impression of interest along with a little encouragement will go a long way, and could really make something special. You never know what might turn into something great. That being said, there is no point in putting people down and making them feel bad. There is no room for hate. There is no room for you.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Fairytale Commandments

Another song for the upcoming EP...

Five days 'till the weekend, mixed with madmen and fools.
Obey the kings and queens, and you're playin' to lose.
Searchin' for clues, solvin' mysteries.
So lace up your shoes, and dare to believe.

And just
Kick back, find your own path, slow down and watch the stars go round,
Be careful what you wish for even though you'll never get it.
Oceans so blue, caves so deep, there's no faith without the leap,
Wish upon a magic carpet ride, yeah I said it.

Once upon a time, we lived happily ever after.
Dragons wearin' Ray Bans with a goblin on a goul.
Clowns blowin' up balloon animals (ann-EE-Mells), a princess with a dress of pastelles,
Makin love to frog lips, just don't play by the rules.


And just
Kick back, find your own path, slow down and watch the stars go round,
Be careful what you wish for even though you'll never get it.
Oceans so blue, caves so deep, there's no faith without the leap,
Wish upon a magic carpet ride, yeah I said it.

Coda (outro):
when there's more graffiti on desks, then hair on your chest, 
make the choice between a pug and a teacher's pest,
just don't play by the rules.
just don't play by the rules.
just don't play by the rules.
just don't play by the rules.

Friday, April 20, 2012


It doesn't have to be much. It can be a smell prancing around in the breeze, or the look in someone's eye. Every once in awhile a trigger will be set off in your mind and you will feel a memory so vivid it's almost as if you're there for a split second. Then you're right back. Back to the now. The truth is, as you grow older the life ahead of you begins to fade. Well, not fade but shorten. An impending death is creeping up on you every second, life begins to pick up pace and before you know it, there's more of it behind you than you ever could have imagined. One of the hardest concepts to accept in one's life is that what once was, is no longer. Naturally, it is quite saddening to live in a time that no longer exists. To reminisce so deeply that you feel everything you once felt as if it were real, and the now. The realization that the reminiscence is not reality is mental murder. Memories fading, contemplating what's real and what's dream, appreciate the present and let it slip through the seams, because life moves faster than light beams, and while I may have none of that answers, my insecurities burn through me like a cancer, I can only hope that someone holds the master scheme. What the fuck is time. 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

johann sebastian.

a few weeks back, one of my best friends came over to my house. we grabbed some food from the kitchen and headed to my basement and were just having a conversation nothing out of the ordinary. i started playing random shit on the keyboard because of my add but we continued to talk and it was almost like a soundtrack to the conversation. i'll be the first to admit that my friend doesn't have the best of reputations, and while some of that may be deserved, im kind of different when it comes to that. i see in him what nobody else sees and how amazing of a person he truly is. i love being around him because i feel like some of what im about has rubbed off on him. we've always been good friends but we've gotten to be best friends in the past year and he's grown a tremendous amount since then. most importantly a level of trust has been gained between us like none other, and i know he's got my back just as much as i have his. so mid-conversation we were talking about one of his past relationships, and out of nowhere he just bursts into tears and he can't even form words anymore. i just sat their broken hearted because i knew exactly what he was going through and i knew there was nothing i could say to make him feel better. but i made clear to him, that theres nothing to be embarrassed of, that i cried all the time about the same shit, and i think it's such a beautiful emotion, so to just keep going if he wanted. he was able to keep talking and i was just sitting their listening to everything he was saying, not really saying all too much, because there wasn't much for me to say, i wanted to focus on his perspective, and i don't say too much either haha. sometimes people think im shy but im really not, moreso just efficient, i like to get the point across without abusing my allotted time to speak ya know? anywho, he went on and on and i was interested in every detail, and this conversation lasted for about 2 hours. at the end i felt so honored that he could trust me with everything like that, it was a lot for a kid to go through but he'll never know how proud of him i am for it. the next night we went out to grab some food to eat, and he had said he wanted me to just talk like he did. and i wasn't very sure of myself because i never am, and that he'd help me through if i needed it. so i just started talking, and soon enough i couldn't stop. like he had done with me, i was just telling him everything in vivid detail about my life. ive never just let everything out as easily as i did, especially in person, there was just so much to go through. when all was said and done, my story lasted from 10pm-4am. it was easily one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and it really felt good. i desire to have conversations like that SO much more often now. ive felt cooped up inside my own mind and body for too long, and its SO good to share myself. i think its a really common misunderstanding with me. i like to share everything with a lot of people now, and i think i get looked at sort of negatively or being unappreciative at times because i share a lot of personal stuff that most people wouldn't. but what most people don't understand about me is that, i've gone through the majority of my life with nobody to share ANYTHING with. all of these feelings and emotions were just shoved inside of me with no way to get out, and now that theyre starting to get out it's just like a waterfall. so yeah, when someone appreciates me i'm gonna want to share that appreciation with the world. ive felt so unappreciated for so long that i just wanna scream it to everyone. i want to share that happiness. with everyone. when someone said they loved me i wanted to just show everyone because i wanted to share my happiness with everyone. and when people were happy for me and im happy for them it is literally the most amazing feeling in the world. words cannot describe. happiness is only real when shared, as is any other emotion. i just want people to understand why i do what i do, and why i am who i am. i grew up with so few connections, and so few outlets, that it's just pouring out of me now. forgive me if i come across as being shallow or an unappreciative whore, but i want more than anything to simply feel with this world. i want my heart to beat with the core of the earth.


It's weird how life works sometimes. there will always be ups and downs, and just when i started to ride the ups i found myself feeling down. i don't know why, and no part of me can even begin to explain it, but i just feel down right now... it sucks but i guess that's life. i get a lot of compliments for who i am as a human being, a soul of this earth, but i think i find myself longing for the simpler less sophisticated pleasures as well. im not a big fan of when people call me deep. i think im well rounded. i need both ends of the pool, the ocean and the shore. i feel somewhat ashamed having this desire but at the same time i accept the fact that i am only human, and it is what it is. anywho, that isn't the point of this post. i was looking through some old music theory books in my basement and i came across my dad's yearbook... i found it strange because i had never seen it before and he has never brought it up or shown me. i looked inside to some of the signatures and ive never heard of any of these people. i found it very unsettling when i compared it back to my yearbook from last year. everybody who had signed it i love so much. its just such a scary thought to think that that REALLY IS only the first chapter. that MY LIFE will be defined not by anything i have already done, but everything that is yet to come. i won't know 99% of the people i went to high school or college with, and it just reinforces how scary of a place life can be sometimes. right now, sometimes it just feels like im still on summer vacation. that one day the class of 2011 will all just go back to school once more like we always have, but that isn't the case. we are really off on our own now. and while im really happy we're all off on our own now its a really sad thing to think back on, realizing that you can't see your friends everyday anymore, that life isn't such a playground anymore. the idea of a legacy scares me. that what i will be remembered for isn't who i am right now. fuck. current emotions: scared shitless.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Traffic Lights

been workin on a new song for a few weeks now. easily the most complex thing ive ever written musically and im really content with how i finally pieced it together. it was also one of the tougher songs to write lyrically but with enough inspiration anything can happen. it was inspired by my life, as well as a few others that ive had some REALLY good conversations with recently. its funny when theyre talking to me, sometimes they don't even realize what theyre saying, but i hear it, and im like "shit that was beautiful, that could definitely be in a song" and ill keep a mental note of it in my head and write it down when i get the chance. but to keep a long story short, this was inspired by my life, or some of my friend's lives and i like that, because it keeps the story real, and when i write i strive to always have everything feel as real as possible. i titled it 'traffic lights' because i started writing this on the way home from my cousin's wedding. at the time i felt so alone and even though i had my parents in the car in the front seats, it was just me in the back trying to zone out to some music with a pad and paper. i felt like the only thing i had was the traffic lights and because we were riding through the city. i think that's one of the stronger concepts in the song, the fact that we may not always be where we want to be (somewhere with stars) but the fact that we have to make due and make the best of what we have (wishing upon the traffic lights). i could go into a lot of detail about every lyric line by line but i won't do that to you. if you want to know tho feel free to ask and id be more than happy to explain where each came from and what it means, because yes every word in each of my songs has a story. i take A LOT of pride in everything i write. the following link is what i'll show the band to kind of let them know what im looking for in the song and so they can feel the emotion of it. we do this for all our songs but ill post them here because i love you guys and i love the fact that i can just share anything here. obviously its not the final version because me with my shitty voice is singing and the recording of the instruments was very on the fly. so timings are off EVERYWHERE hahaha. but i hope you get the general feel and more than anything i hope you enjoy!! the lyrics are in the description so follow along if you'd like...

Friday, April 6, 2012


a weird thought came upon me right now... at 4:15am... it seems that most of my deeper thinking comes when im alone... and into the wee hours of the morning. but theres been a whirlwind of new feelings and emotions in my head in the past week. its been absolutely nuts. so often i just dont feel like Evan, and i dont think ive ever been farther away from figuring out who i really am. i dont really mind it either but thats irrelevant. keeping this short and sweet, my point is that i feel like ive been reborn. but then i thought what if i was never born in the first place. or... more logically, what if i was only PHYSICALLY born at 3:33am on february 2nd,1993... but mentally and spiritually born only a few days ago. i think that to truly be born, we have to be free, and truly walking our own path in life. for so long, ive always followed in the footsteps of parents, siblings, friends, role models, whoever. and who hasn't... itd be weird if i didnt do that. but while i physically existed, i was never truly just... me. as uncomfortable as i feel all the time to be finally walking in my own path, it also provides a great sense of satisfaction knowing that i am finally carrying out my life exactly how life is supposed to be carried out. my final thought is: you are not born on your birthday, you are born when there is not a single soul leading you on your path of life.

Monday, April 2, 2012

You Only Live Once

I know it's a joke. I know it's just for fun. I know I'll probably take some backlash for this because of those two reasons alone. However it's something I feel too strongly about to not bring up, especially when I have an identical notion imprinted on my back. Do you realize how you come off when you intentionally do something ignorant and then scream YOLO? Behavior such as this should not be tolerated or condoned on any level. You have one damn life. Live it. Don't waste it away finding every excuse you can to act like a fool and lead mindless parades of people to do the very same. To the people who actually do go around with obnoxious intentions, I would really love to know what's going on in your mind, and no I'm not being sarcastic. Just take a few seconds and realize what life would be like if something happened to your best friend, or a family member, or a significant other. Would YOLO mean something different then? Nothing about this is pessimistic. I'm not saying something will happen, I'm saying that something will happen eventually because everyone moves on, and why not appreciate every little moment of life? Life is beautiful, but what you people are doing to it is very very ugly. "Fun is the end result of hard work, everything else is cheap entertainment. Is cheap entertainment important? Yes, within limitations." To those who know that quote, I already know you understand it to its full meaning. To those of you who don't, learn it, know it, understand it. Carrying out a foolish actions and then screaming YOLO afterwords to give an unjust action any justification at all is cheap entertainment. Have fun. Real fun. Put the time and effort into life and get something back for it. Make someone's day, write a paper, learn an instrument, save a friendship, and please dear god know your limitations. Trust me, it's a lot more satisfying than running around like a wild banshee just begging to be put into a daycare program. You only live once so live and let live. Quit mocking those you actually seek life, a true existence. Appreciate the little things in life, and then appreciate the moments that are even smaller than that. It's not just a lyric, but something much more. Unfortunately for humanity, a bunch of rather unintelligent people misinterpreted the meaning entirely. They decided to use it as an excuse for ignorance and not a lesson to appreciate. If you don't understand this, then I send my deepest apology your way. Life is not one big blob of existence. It is orchestrated of billions and billions of very minuscule moments all leading our individual souls on one magnificent journey. Without an appreciation for each moment, life is rendered meaningless. Don't do that to yourself... why would you?

Thursday, March 29, 2012


I'm a really lucky kid. Most people dream dreams and never get the opportunity to make them a reality. But me? I'm beginning to make my dreams a reality and its such a crazy feeling. For so long I was just a kid with a lot of ideas, and a lot of tools at my disposal but I could never really put it together. I knew what I loved, and that was film and videos and just the media experience, but I never thought I'd be pursuing it like I am now. Funny story: back in 6th grade when we would have to do all of those weird english projects and we'd have to make a video and it would have to be super corny, everybody would always want to be in my group because our videos would always come out really good because after my friends and i filmed i would go home and just edit them for hours because i loved to do it. They were no good obviously and probably pretty stupid but never forget your roots. I mean, without that, i don't know what i'd be pursuing right now. But I mean i obviously have to thank my parents. the camera that i currently am using was my graduation present and i could obviously not do what i do without it. But i mean my friends who are all more than just friends to me. The fact that they just give up their time to help me out means the world to me. Im also so lucky to be surrounded by such a skillful individuals. The filming and the editing is the easy part, have you seen WHAT im filming?! shit. the art is incredible and i could never do that with all of the practice in the world. But everything is slowly coming together for me and I'd consider myself to officially be on the 2nd step of my staircase. I'm not just starting out anymore and it's a weird feeling to have dove into the water already, but it's also a satisfying one. My rule of thumb however is that whenever I accomplish something, I give myself one night to enjoy and then the next day its right back to work. Given the fact that I found out about this project only a little over a week ago, who knows what's going to come next, that's part of the fun of it all. I've got some good ideas though, and I've got some good good people around me. I've got a long way to go until I fully realize my dream, but it is certainly starting to unfold right before my very eyes. I'm going to enjoy for tonight, but never get me wrong, it's back to the drawing board tomorrow. Hope you enjoy it!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Billy & Zoë

I've had a lot of friends... "be there" (for lack of a better term) for me in the past month. I usually don't like naming names but I feel in this case it is quite necessary. I mean, Jonny you have no idea how much you keep pushin me to work hard in everything I do. I know you're hurtin too but we're gonna get out of this. Kate, you keep keep inspiring me to get out of central, and you keep planting that vision in my head of being in a location that i want to be in and being happy. Meghan, you always know how to make me laugh when im feeling down and out and you come to me when i really need a good laugh and i love it. Camila, every single day you make me want to go out and make this world a better place and the motivation you put into my soul is unreal. Zach, I don't know your situation all that well, and whether the heat you are taking is deserved or not, you had my back when you didn't have to, and it meant the world to me. Not many people stand up for a friend like you did. Colleen, the fact that only a few people listen to what i write and you're one of em means everything to me. I mean I have 5 people who follow me on this blog. 5 people in this world who really give a damn about the petty shit that i go through, as well as some of the heavier shit. I don't know what you actually read or when you read it, or if you're reading this at all, but that keeps me alive. Jordan, the fact that you try and connect with me on here, and just discuss shit that can actually apply to life is so important to me, and i could not be happier that ive gotten to know you a little better.

However, there are two special souls on this planet that I'm not sure I can ever repay. I was having a really good conversation with Sean about an hour ago, and he told me, that life is like a chair. When you don't have all of your legs, you are bound to fall over, so when you're not strong enough yourself to maintain balance, you have to find those other legs. Billy and Zoë, i realized tonight that you guys are my 3rd and 4th leg, because as both of you know all too well, i couldn't feel weaker right now. Damn it Bill, you've been like a brother to me this whole year and you don't know how much ive needed it not being able to contact my own for the past 2-3 years. I don't mean to get sappy and shit, but all our jokes, and all times we just talked about our girl shit, is just so essential to my existence. You have no idea how much you inspire me for what you do musically, and how hard that pushes me to simply keep an open mind, and learn more, and to dive deeper into everything that write, play, listen to or whatever, and without that im not sure why i would even still want to be here. Jeez Zoë, if someone told me a year ago that we'd be as close as we are, not a single portion of my soul would've believed them. The amount that you relate to me is out of this world, and ive never felt such a deep connection with someone. The lack of judgment you offer along with your open-mindedness has been the most comforting that anybody has ever given to me. But the conversations until 4 in the morning and just relaying thoughts back and forth whenever, just confirming the fact that someone out there is like me and can see on my level. its so nice to not always feel like im losing my sanity at every single moment of the day. You two have saved my life. I have no idea how lost i'd be without you. As lonely as ive felt at times you two have always had my back, and shown your support and thanking you just isnt enough for me. Just know, that whatever my life amounts to, whatever I am able to create, whoever I am able to inspire in my stay here... that's my thank you to you two. That's a direct result of how incredible of human beings you are, and how much you mean to me. You deserve to know, you guys are my best friends, and you're real people, with real values, real emotions, and real hearts. Above all, I love you two to death. I love all of you to death.

Friday, March 23, 2012


I don't want to be here. I've accepted that. its just that i dont... feel anymore. and understand what im saying, theres no reason to be afraid. im not going to do anything stupid. but so often lately ive come to realize that ive questioned to much for my own good. what does it matter who yr with, or who yr friends are. what does it matter what school im about to go to. what does it matter if i become rich and famous or live on the streets. what does it matter who gets elected president or who wins the baseball game. what the fuck. why the fuck does anything matter. ive always been told that nobody knows what they're doing in life, and that if you just act like you do, youll become a leader, and a point of inspiration. and while that is definitely true, ive come to the point where i don't want to go through the motions anymore. i know that part of the fun in life is not knowing what's about to come next, but i need something to hold on to. i need something that i can fall back on when i need it. i lost her. and im terribly sorry to say that i haven't had any idea where im going for so long that i've lost my motivation to keep going. i lost her. i've reached such a point of depression that i can't cry, i can no longer feel. i lost her. it's like im faking the life im supposed to be living just so it might get on track again. but let me tell you this is no way to live. im done. im so done. you see she wasn't all my happiness. she wasn't all i lived for. but when push comes to shove there was the illusion that she'd always be there for me. and that held me all together. have you ever held a water bottle upside down? well let's just say that the actual physical bottle is me. the water inside is my life. all that makes me evan, all that makes me happy, sad. all that makes me fucking feel. she was my cap. she kept all of the life inside of me. and now with the cap just gone, i feel like i've had my entire existence just stolen from me. and people just dont fucking get me. at all. like, i understand people fall in and out of love. no fucking shit. but nobody understands how i love. how hard i fucking love. my friends included. i know its a weird thing to wish but, sometimes i wish something really bad would happen just to show how id stand up for them if they needed me, or id be there for them no matter what, and it kills me inside that there's no real way to prove my love. but fuck this, i miss the nights where i would just sit on my bedroom floor crying. i just need to fucking feel something or im going to lose it and i dont care if its the sharpest level of pain. there is not a day of my life where i don't wake up in fear. raw fear. i need some fucking guidance or some fucking help. i just need her to talk to me before i go so fucking crazy. i fucking hate all the people who told me time heels all. you dont know me... at all. realize that time just scars the shit out of me even more. understand that im not evan right now. i have no idea who the fuck i am and id sure love if somebody tried to put a description on me. but fuck i need her to talk to me. just words. conversations. anything. i need my fucking cap back so i can hold some water again, because right now im just dangling empty. don't mean to be cliche with a movie reference, but this is my life, and it's ending one second at a time.

Break on Through, To the Other Side

Everything that will ever exist in our world already exists, we just have to know where to look. Every song that will ever be written has already been written, we just have to discover. Every ounce of knowledge that there is to know is already known, we just have to realize.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Musical Delusion.

While I was writing some lyrics and sitting by the piano tonight something weird happened. I'm trying to look at the world through a lot of different points of view other than my own especially when i write, because the only thing that i personally can feel is heartbreak. So even though as hard as i may try to write about something happy, it simply never happens and i always come "falling back to earth" so to speak even though i don't mean to talk or write about depressing shit. But i was writing and playing along like usual, and for a split second my mind sort of trailed off so to speak. The song was about myself and some very recent specific events, but as the song progressed i found myself writing about things that have never happened to me (and this is VERY unlike me) . when i took a look back at them, i realized that i was writing about what i wish to happen in my life, and for that split second while i was writing them i was 100% happy because it felt so real. the music, the words, i had brought the moment to life within me. it was absolutely magical. I completely understand that things will never play out exactly how I would like them to play out, but through music, they did. I created an alternate world in which I received my vindication and was happy once more. And while it isn't a real physical world, who is anybody to say that it isn't as real as the very world we live in. I hope to travel back there very very soon. It may be a waste of time, but it gave me some peace of mind...

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Breaking My Heart

I know you probably won't read this, and you probably don't even know that this blog exists. you never asked about it, and since im not writing poetry about how much i love you anymore i have to get out whats inside of me. you see right now people only see the pain that im going through. i write a song about how bad im hurt day in and day out because i need that human connection. who doesnt wanna feel connected to those they are around? but now that i can't write to you and just tell you that i love you, it needs to come out with what i am feeling at the moment. i miss the days when i could write about happiness and love, i miss being able to relate to that spark of light that you feel when something reminds you of that special someone. there's just so much i wish i could tell you, there's so much that i wish i could talk to you about. i'd do anything in this world just to have a conversation with you but you won't even talk to me anymore. it's why im posting this here. because i need to get this out of me. too many of my words, ideas and thoughts have gone unnoticed or not cared for. im not even allowed to say what i want to say to you. when someone can't be themselves, it just isn't right. have you ever watched someone be forced to be something they are not? have you ever forced anybody to be something they're not? before you answer take a closer look, because you're forcing me to be torn up every single day. at my own cousin's wedding i broke down and started crying outside of the reception because i know you don't care about me anymore. i feel that lack of care with every single move i make, every single second of my life. and i know you did what you did so you wouldn't feel guilty anymore but whether you are with me or not, you are killing me that much more now. i just don't understand, you know i'd lay down my life for you at any second no matter what, but when you're the only one who can help me, and i mean truly help me, you go so far out of your way to do everything but. you can heel the pain, you can stop the bleeding. please stop the bleeding. i proved that i could let you be you. just you. now let me be me. because if i can't be me, then why continue trying to be me. if i cannot love and live the way i want to live and love, then life and love do not matter. if i cannot be me, than i am not that of which i thought i was. i am living a fake life, with fake emotions and not a single passion. i need help. please won't you just talk to me, i'd do anything to just sit and talk with you darlin'. so i know you'll never see this, but after all i put myself through to see you smile, for all the times you threw it back into my face and i told you not to worry about it. for all the love i gave you, and the depth i created for you inside of me. that... i hope you'll eventually see that. because it's getting harder and harder to see me.

Breaking The Rules.

For every game there is a set of rules. there are laws and occurrences that just happen because they are logical and there is no way around them. if somebody hits you, you are going to feel pain. if you dive underwater you will not be able to breathe. if you eat a piece of fruit you will no longer be hungry. these are the rules of life. these are the laws of feelings and emotions. however there is one emotion that breaks every single rule we've ever grown up with and that is the one of love. Love makes you happy when you should feel sad, it breaks your heart when you have the world in your hands. its not something that anybody can ever coincide with because love itself is the ultimate rebellion. you will feel it sometimes not because of anything you are doing, feeling or wanting, but depending on what love decides to do. life defies any sort of logic and is influenced by nothing. it is something us humans will never be able to truly grasp because it is simply to real for us. love works in crazy ways and is the only emotion that will go up up and beyond the rest. there is a reason why i long for it so much. it feels like reaching the unattainable, capturing what can not be captured, doing the impossible. love is the most pure and beautiful of emotions, for its free spirit, and rawness.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Before Long.

wrote a song about you know who called 'before long' this past week. love how it came out and slaved over the lyrics because i really wanted it to capture everything that i'm feeling and going through. its mainly a conversation with myself along with some advice people have been giving me and how she reacted to some shit. hopefully we'll preform it in a few weeks or so and i can NOT wait until then. i can only express what is inside of me, and unfortunately at the current moment it is raw heartbreak. hope you enjoy, hope you can't relate.

Get up off the floor my boy, there's so much of the world you've yet to see.

I know there's nothing I can say to make the pain all go away, you're just like me.

Got a heart bigger than all of New York City, like broken glass in a world of self-pity and I can't stand to see you like this anymore.

So take your hands and roll the dice, stay steady through the tunnel so you can see the light once more.
If you're going through hell, just keep on going.

There's nothing you can do but you gotta' stay knowing,

That it's darkest before the dawn.

You have the strength to carry on.

She may never even hear this song.

But she'll realize what she's abandoned before long.
Call me optimistic, maybe slightly unrealistic, but I do believe.

Had our ups and downs, I know our smiles turned to frowns, but you said you'd never leave.

No appreciation for my endless dedication that I gave to you.

All I ask is that I get another chance to repay my dues.


She said "I can't do this anymore", slammed the door and ran away, tossed the bouquet into my face, cut the ties beneath the lies, dug into my soul and chased away the butterflies.

Couldn't even hear my cries, some nights I wanna lay in bed and die beneath the ceilings, so fuck these finer feelings, my heart she is not healing...



What I've Lost.

found this quote tonight and i don't think anything could be more relevant right now. it just breaks my heart to know that this is exactly all that i had, all that i have ever wanted in my entire life, and now it's gone. at the current moment in time i have zero faith that i'll ever get it back.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." - Bob Marley

Monday, March 12, 2012

the hardest part

my entire perception of the world is changed right now. the most painful thing has got to be seeing love all around me, but not in me. watching a couple hold hands, or kiss, or just laugh with each other. its just something i wish i could have back in my life because it is such a raw happiness that i've only been able to feel with her. and i know i'm not going to get it back but it doesn't make it hurt any less. i just can't help but to think that we could be just like them, but we're simply not for reasons i'll never be able to either fully explain or comprehend. people aren't aware of how good i am at hiding emotions. the first few days i couldn't even finish my sentences without starting to cry. i locked myself in rooms because i was too embarrassed at what had happened. people think im handling the whole situation really well, but that's the scariest part for me. deep down i'm feeling worse than those first few days. i've lost contact with any emotions. everything feels so numb to me and ive never felt this disconnected from the world. unfortunately for me, she has no idea what she's done to me. she's committed murder in every which way except for that of the physical. nobody understands that the only person who can help me is her, but she remains the most unwilling. as she keeps running away, i keep dying, a slow, painful death.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


i hate fucking people who just exist. it's not that they're bad people by any means, but don't just live life going to school, hanging out with friends, getting a job, death. that is not why we are fucking here, do more with your existence. im not asking you to, im not begging you to, im demanding you to, as a fellow human being. people like this contaminate my life experience and it pisses me off to no end. what's even worse is when people plan for this shit. and what i mean by that is when people PLAN to live normally and lead out an average life. i'll be the first to admit i've done it to but holy shit i can't stand the people who do it on the regular. what i mean by that is people who go around talking about school, or making plans with friends, or their minimum wage job. fuck that. who really gives a shit you shallow minded fools? living "simply" has got to be the largest brainwashing of our population. that's not why we are here, and if you lack the substance you need to shut up and learn from those who do not. it's like trying out for a band without playing an instrument. just. shut. up. i can't stand people, that all they talk about... IS PEOPLE. and things... that have happened... that mean fucking nothing. stop wasting your god damn life. current mood: pissed off so this might not make a lot of sense but i don't care. more coherent thoughts to come real soon. but for now, where the fuck did the substance go?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


while playing oltremare by einaudi tonight... this morning... i realized something very absurd. that during parts of it my hands were SO stretched out over the piano, that if the music asked for me to reach a key further i wouldn't be able to do it. my point is, the piece writes to the limits of a human being. it hit the wall, it reached the ceiling. now, i realize i am not playing things that are barely humanly possible to play... but for einaudi to write such a piece, to reach out that far into what a human being can do is mind blowing. when you apply this concept to other forms of art you can truly see why what we consider great, to be so great. it is either so complex or so challenging that it is barely possible to preform, and only those willing to put the time and effort into will not only be the only ones to truly appreciate it, but be able to preform it as well. like all else in this world, ignorance is bliss. something so complex can sound so simple and peaceful to most people, but the fact that a composition or work of art has the ability to go deeper is exactly what makes it so great. the deeper it can go inside someone's soul... in complexity, without losing its basic form, the greater it becomes, and the larger the audience it will pertain to. its like jumping across a pond via lily pads. if you are surrounded by water and want to continue forward you are going to choose the lily pad that is closest to you. (the shallowest) however if two are equally shallow to you and one is longer than the other, youre going to choose the one that is longer because it gets you closer to the final destination. (the deeper) while pieces are much more intriguing when they have the ability to go deep, they still must be able to be appreciated by one that has zero knowledge of music. the fact that it fills both ends of the spectrum is what makes it beautiful. i have listened to it in very shallow form, and now the blood and sweat all over my piano right now is a testament to how badly i want to feel the deepest of the deep through my art which is piano. unfortunately i know i can never feel what einaudi was feeling because i would have to compose the same exact piece without knowledge of what already exists. i can come close, but i'll never be able to dig myself far enough in, leaving myself permanently unsatisfied.