Tuesday, October 23, 2012

the greatest day of my life.

I never really thought about it, but as soon as I did I realized that this was the best day of my life. I never thought I'd be able to select something like this out of so many good days that I've had, but this one had everything. There was not a single scent of nostalgia in the air. Everything I had ever missed was right beside me as well as inside of me. I had somebody whom I loved, loving me all the same. I had many new great friends, as well as the old. My family felt like a family that day for the first and last time I can remember. I was hiking through my favorite place on the planet, Yosemite. I don't even remember the actual date, but I know this was the greatest day of my life. Running around God's canvas provided with me with an energy that I hadn't felt in quite some time. I felt as I did during my boyhood running around in the yard in a world full of bliss, only this time it was a stone canyon paradise. It was the first time I saw or talked to my brother in over a year and it was the best feeling ever. We ran and explored and just let ourselves take in every bit of beauty. We joked and we mocked each other, and then cooled off at the footsteps of a gigantic waterfall gracing itself over a cliff. We got lost. We got found. Got a text saying "I love you." I didn't need anything more, I'll never need anything more than that. It was bliss, it was beautiful, it was perfect. I was free, I was young, but most importantly I was one. My heart was one for the first time in ages. My family was one for the first time in ages. My world was one for the first time in ages. I was happy, the happiest I have ever been. This was the greatest day of my life, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it more than anything in the world. I miss my family. I miss my brother. I miss Yosemite. I miss my heart. I miss my happiness. But I know that it won't be too long before I'm back. And once I'm back I'll feel it all again like I had on the greatest day of my life. I can't wait.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


when life gets you down you get back up and fuck life in the face. you go harder than you ever went before. you may just go insane...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


im not one of those white kids whos about to attempt to pursue a rap career. but ever since i was little ive written poetry and got made fun of it quite a bit through out grade school so i always just wrote it to myself or people that really got me. but since i listened to so much rap throughout grade school i really fell in love with the art and when i dont feel like writing poetry all the time sometimes ill put on an instrumental and just write to that. its not really poetry or rap its kind of an in between that ive come to love. so i just let go whenever i wanna. no structure, no formatting, no bullshit. ive said from the start this blog is my new journal. id be ashamed of myself if it was formatted in ANY way.

Its a night like this, a few years back in my room no chicks,
wishin I would die or the time would pass by
its never easy living life with nobody givin two shits
now we find ourselves smokin two spliffs, dont know where were goin or what were doin but these paths that were choosing are making us who were gonna be in the future, doesn't help me forget the blonde in the cute shirt, sittin in class callin me a loser, too afraid of drugs to be an abuser so I sat in my room at night with only my music to talk to goin back to school on monday everybody thinking im an awkward fool or maybe it was all in my head and now im reading these threads about these people who are depressed and don't have a lot to live for, starvin themselves hungry with insanity knockin on their door, and Im thinkin to myself that I was just like them, and every single one of them is why ill never let go of the pen. If only I can save a single life before it all its the fan, because each and every is so beautiful goddamn.  

Thursday, October 11, 2012

something for a friend.

seven months back when i was struggling to even breathe
fearing that the people i needed no longer needed me
my heart cut out of my chest just like an amputee
and then an old friend of mine gave me a life changing guarantee
we hadn't talked in awhile so it caught me off guard
i wasn't even in the mood to chat i was so scarred
but he wasn't about to take no for an answer no matter how hard
a friendship is a friendship doesn't matter where you are
he told me i was wide open and it would take a lot of time
like a piercing without the jewels i'd close up just fine
that the pain that i was going through was all part of the design
of this life that we live you can't have highs without declines
i trusted him he's my buddy what else was i to do
he's a genuine kid i should've known that he'd come through
for awhile i dug inside myself and really withdrew
but that's what it took to stand up and become new.

a little over a month ago i saw him again
late summer night just partying with some friends
it took a moment but then i got to thinking remember when
he reached out to me and let me see my life through a new lens
we hugged and he told me that he dug my creativity
and i can't even being to tell you how much this inspired me
to this very day to simply keep doing what i'm doing
felt like pre-k again when i first learned to tie my shoe strings
you can't put a price on when a friend has your back
one from back in the day when we ran for the plaques
don't talk too much anymore but it doesn't matter
because every time we do it's the most meaningful chatter
through and through he helped me like no other
safe to say he's like a big brother
through and through in the past few months i grew
i guess all i'm trying to say is thank you.

Sunday, October 7, 2012


maybe im more depressed than i let myself believe. maybe im not as happy as i thought i was. maybe im not as recovered as i thought i was. maybe im just fucking delusional. i mean, i dont have many friends but its not a big deal because i dont need many. but thats because i dont like most people and i mean how sad is that. i read some and i watch a lot of films these days but the loneliness had crept up on me much faster than i thought it ever could. i just wish i didnt feel so fucked up just being me ya know? i wish i didnt feel like such a damn creep all the time. i wish i was okay with who i was and who im becoming. but fuck it, guess thats life right now.


remember when we kissed in the rain?
remember when our feelings didn't stay the same?
you sat there and you smiled while my mind ran wild,
you took us and burned it in the flames.
what a shame, what a shame.

as i inhale deep and fog my brain,
is this the man that i became?
sitting alone a midst pale skin tones,
wishing for myself that i could make a name.
what a shame, what a shame.

to regain that feeling blood pumping through my veins,
to contain my mind of all thoughts inhumane,
only time will tell for my dear mademoiselle,
a theatrical life full of nothing but stage names.
what a shame, what a shame, what a shame.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


There's not a second that goes by where I don't wish it were yesterday.
Proof that time really flies, running around the yard with the leaves getting blown away.
The red, yellow and orange would slowly turn to shades of gray. 
And I miss you. I miss you.

Dad always mixing up our names.
Endured the world, I know you're not to blame.
Not a single moment can ever feel the same.
And I miss you. I miss you.

I missed you at the age of twelve.
I cried at night because it felt like hell.
I washed my face so you could never tell.
Just think what it does to me now.