Thursday, March 29, 2012


I'm a really lucky kid. Most people dream dreams and never get the opportunity to make them a reality. But me? I'm beginning to make my dreams a reality and its such a crazy feeling. For so long I was just a kid with a lot of ideas, and a lot of tools at my disposal but I could never really put it together. I knew what I loved, and that was film and videos and just the media experience, but I never thought I'd be pursuing it like I am now. Funny story: back in 6th grade when we would have to do all of those weird english projects and we'd have to make a video and it would have to be super corny, everybody would always want to be in my group because our videos would always come out really good because after my friends and i filmed i would go home and just edit them for hours because i loved to do it. They were no good obviously and probably pretty stupid but never forget your roots. I mean, without that, i don't know what i'd be pursuing right now. But I mean i obviously have to thank my parents. the camera that i currently am using was my graduation present and i could obviously not do what i do without it. But i mean my friends who are all more than just friends to me. The fact that they just give up their time to help me out means the world to me. Im also so lucky to be surrounded by such a skillful individuals. The filming and the editing is the easy part, have you seen WHAT im filming?! shit. the art is incredible and i could never do that with all of the practice in the world. But everything is slowly coming together for me and I'd consider myself to officially be on the 2nd step of my staircase. I'm not just starting out anymore and it's a weird feeling to have dove into the water already, but it's also a satisfying one. My rule of thumb however is that whenever I accomplish something, I give myself one night to enjoy and then the next day its right back to work. Given the fact that I found out about this project only a little over a week ago, who knows what's going to come next, that's part of the fun of it all. I've got some good ideas though, and I've got some good good people around me. I've got a long way to go until I fully realize my dream, but it is certainly starting to unfold right before my very eyes. I'm going to enjoy for tonight, but never get me wrong, it's back to the drawing board tomorrow. Hope you enjoy it!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Billy & Zoë

I've had a lot of friends... "be there" (for lack of a better term) for me in the past month. I usually don't like naming names but I feel in this case it is quite necessary. I mean, Jonny you have no idea how much you keep pushin me to work hard in everything I do. I know you're hurtin too but we're gonna get out of this. Kate, you keep keep inspiring me to get out of central, and you keep planting that vision in my head of being in a location that i want to be in and being happy. Meghan, you always know how to make me laugh when im feeling down and out and you come to me when i really need a good laugh and i love it. Camila, every single day you make me want to go out and make this world a better place and the motivation you put into my soul is unreal. Zach, I don't know your situation all that well, and whether the heat you are taking is deserved or not, you had my back when you didn't have to, and it meant the world to me. Not many people stand up for a friend like you did. Colleen, the fact that only a few people listen to what i write and you're one of em means everything to me. I mean I have 5 people who follow me on this blog. 5 people in this world who really give a damn about the petty shit that i go through, as well as some of the heavier shit. I don't know what you actually read or when you read it, or if you're reading this at all, but that keeps me alive. Jordan, the fact that you try and connect with me on here, and just discuss shit that can actually apply to life is so important to me, and i could not be happier that ive gotten to know you a little better.

However, there are two special souls on this planet that I'm not sure I can ever repay. I was having a really good conversation with Sean about an hour ago, and he told me, that life is like a chair. When you don't have all of your legs, you are bound to fall over, so when you're not strong enough yourself to maintain balance, you have to find those other legs. Billy and Zoë, i realized tonight that you guys are my 3rd and 4th leg, because as both of you know all too well, i couldn't feel weaker right now. Damn it Bill, you've been like a brother to me this whole year and you don't know how much ive needed it not being able to contact my own for the past 2-3 years. I don't mean to get sappy and shit, but all our jokes, and all times we just talked about our girl shit, is just so essential to my existence. You have no idea how much you inspire me for what you do musically, and how hard that pushes me to simply keep an open mind, and learn more, and to dive deeper into everything that write, play, listen to or whatever, and without that im not sure why i would even still want to be here. Jeez Zoë, if someone told me a year ago that we'd be as close as we are, not a single portion of my soul would've believed them. The amount that you relate to me is out of this world, and ive never felt such a deep connection with someone. The lack of judgment you offer along with your open-mindedness has been the most comforting that anybody has ever given to me. But the conversations until 4 in the morning and just relaying thoughts back and forth whenever, just confirming the fact that someone out there is like me and can see on my level. its so nice to not always feel like im losing my sanity at every single moment of the day. You two have saved my life. I have no idea how lost i'd be without you. As lonely as ive felt at times you two have always had my back, and shown your support and thanking you just isnt enough for me. Just know, that whatever my life amounts to, whatever I am able to create, whoever I am able to inspire in my stay here... that's my thank you to you two. That's a direct result of how incredible of human beings you are, and how much you mean to me. You deserve to know, you guys are my best friends, and you're real people, with real values, real emotions, and real hearts. Above all, I love you two to death. I love all of you to death.

Friday, March 23, 2012


I don't want to be here. I've accepted that. its just that i dont... feel anymore. and understand what im saying, theres no reason to be afraid. im not going to do anything stupid. but so often lately ive come to realize that ive questioned to much for my own good. what does it matter who yr with, or who yr friends are. what does it matter what school im about to go to. what does it matter if i become rich and famous or live on the streets. what does it matter who gets elected president or who wins the baseball game. what the fuck. why the fuck does anything matter. ive always been told that nobody knows what they're doing in life, and that if you just act like you do, youll become a leader, and a point of inspiration. and while that is definitely true, ive come to the point where i don't want to go through the motions anymore. i know that part of the fun in life is not knowing what's about to come next, but i need something to hold on to. i need something that i can fall back on when i need it. i lost her. and im terribly sorry to say that i haven't had any idea where im going for so long that i've lost my motivation to keep going. i lost her. i've reached such a point of depression that i can't cry, i can no longer feel. i lost her. it's like im faking the life im supposed to be living just so it might get on track again. but let me tell you this is no way to live. im done. im so done. you see she wasn't all my happiness. she wasn't all i lived for. but when push comes to shove there was the illusion that she'd always be there for me. and that held me all together. have you ever held a water bottle upside down? well let's just say that the actual physical bottle is me. the water inside is my life. all that makes me evan, all that makes me happy, sad. all that makes me fucking feel. she was my cap. she kept all of the life inside of me. and now with the cap just gone, i feel like i've had my entire existence just stolen from me. and people just dont fucking get me. at all. like, i understand people fall in and out of love. no fucking shit. but nobody understands how i love. how hard i fucking love. my friends included. i know its a weird thing to wish but, sometimes i wish something really bad would happen just to show how id stand up for them if they needed me, or id be there for them no matter what, and it kills me inside that there's no real way to prove my love. but fuck this, i miss the nights where i would just sit on my bedroom floor crying. i just need to fucking feel something or im going to lose it and i dont care if its the sharpest level of pain. there is not a day of my life where i don't wake up in fear. raw fear. i need some fucking guidance or some fucking help. i just need her to talk to me before i go so fucking crazy. i fucking hate all the people who told me time heels all. you dont know me... at all. realize that time just scars the shit out of me even more. understand that im not evan right now. i have no idea who the fuck i am and id sure love if somebody tried to put a description on me. but fuck i need her to talk to me. just words. conversations. anything. i need my fucking cap back so i can hold some water again, because right now im just dangling empty. don't mean to be cliche with a movie reference, but this is my life, and it's ending one second at a time.

Break on Through, To the Other Side

Everything that will ever exist in our world already exists, we just have to know where to look. Every song that will ever be written has already been written, we just have to discover. Every ounce of knowledge that there is to know is already known, we just have to realize.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Musical Delusion.

While I was writing some lyrics and sitting by the piano tonight something weird happened. I'm trying to look at the world through a lot of different points of view other than my own especially when i write, because the only thing that i personally can feel is heartbreak. So even though as hard as i may try to write about something happy, it simply never happens and i always come "falling back to earth" so to speak even though i don't mean to talk or write about depressing shit. But i was writing and playing along like usual, and for a split second my mind sort of trailed off so to speak. The song was about myself and some very recent specific events, but as the song progressed i found myself writing about things that have never happened to me (and this is VERY unlike me) . when i took a look back at them, i realized that i was writing about what i wish to happen in my life, and for that split second while i was writing them i was 100% happy because it felt so real. the music, the words, i had brought the moment to life within me. it was absolutely magical. I completely understand that things will never play out exactly how I would like them to play out, but through music, they did. I created an alternate world in which I received my vindication and was happy once more. And while it isn't a real physical world, who is anybody to say that it isn't as real as the very world we live in. I hope to travel back there very very soon. It may be a waste of time, but it gave me some peace of mind...

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Breaking My Heart

I know you probably won't read this, and you probably don't even know that this blog exists. you never asked about it, and since im not writing poetry about how much i love you anymore i have to get out whats inside of me. you see right now people only see the pain that im going through. i write a song about how bad im hurt day in and day out because i need that human connection. who doesnt wanna feel connected to those they are around? but now that i can't write to you and just tell you that i love you, it needs to come out with what i am feeling at the moment. i miss the days when i could write about happiness and love, i miss being able to relate to that spark of light that you feel when something reminds you of that special someone. there's just so much i wish i could tell you, there's so much that i wish i could talk to you about. i'd do anything in this world just to have a conversation with you but you won't even talk to me anymore. it's why im posting this here. because i need to get this out of me. too many of my words, ideas and thoughts have gone unnoticed or not cared for. im not even allowed to say what i want to say to you. when someone can't be themselves, it just isn't right. have you ever watched someone be forced to be something they are not? have you ever forced anybody to be something they're not? before you answer take a closer look, because you're forcing me to be torn up every single day. at my own cousin's wedding i broke down and started crying outside of the reception because i know you don't care about me anymore. i feel that lack of care with every single move i make, every single second of my life. and i know you did what you did so you wouldn't feel guilty anymore but whether you are with me or not, you are killing me that much more now. i just don't understand, you know i'd lay down my life for you at any second no matter what, but when you're the only one who can help me, and i mean truly help me, you go so far out of your way to do everything but. you can heel the pain, you can stop the bleeding. please stop the bleeding. i proved that i could let you be you. just you. now let me be me. because if i can't be me, then why continue trying to be me. if i cannot love and live the way i want to live and love, then life and love do not matter. if i cannot be me, than i am not that of which i thought i was. i am living a fake life, with fake emotions and not a single passion. i need help. please won't you just talk to me, i'd do anything to just sit and talk with you darlin'. so i know you'll never see this, but after all i put myself through to see you smile, for all the times you threw it back into my face and i told you not to worry about it. for all the love i gave you, and the depth i created for you inside of me. that... i hope you'll eventually see that. because it's getting harder and harder to see me.

Breaking The Rules.

For every game there is a set of rules. there are laws and occurrences that just happen because they are logical and there is no way around them. if somebody hits you, you are going to feel pain. if you dive underwater you will not be able to breathe. if you eat a piece of fruit you will no longer be hungry. these are the rules of life. these are the laws of feelings and emotions. however there is one emotion that breaks every single rule we've ever grown up with and that is the one of love. Love makes you happy when you should feel sad, it breaks your heart when you have the world in your hands. its not something that anybody can ever coincide with because love itself is the ultimate rebellion. you will feel it sometimes not because of anything you are doing, feeling or wanting, but depending on what love decides to do. life defies any sort of logic and is influenced by nothing. it is something us humans will never be able to truly grasp because it is simply to real for us. love works in crazy ways and is the only emotion that will go up up and beyond the rest. there is a reason why i long for it so much. it feels like reaching the unattainable, capturing what can not be captured, doing the impossible. love is the most pure and beautiful of emotions, for its free spirit, and rawness.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Before Long.

wrote a song about you know who called 'before long' this past week. love how it came out and slaved over the lyrics because i really wanted it to capture everything that i'm feeling and going through. its mainly a conversation with myself along with some advice people have been giving me and how she reacted to some shit. hopefully we'll preform it in a few weeks or so and i can NOT wait until then. i can only express what is inside of me, and unfortunately at the current moment it is raw heartbreak. hope you enjoy, hope you can't relate.

Get up off the floor my boy, there's so much of the world you've yet to see.

I know there's nothing I can say to make the pain all go away, you're just like me.

Got a heart bigger than all of New York City, like broken glass in a world of self-pity and I can't stand to see you like this anymore.

So take your hands and roll the dice, stay steady through the tunnel so you can see the light once more.
If you're going through hell, just keep on going.

There's nothing you can do but you gotta' stay knowing,

That it's darkest before the dawn.

You have the strength to carry on.

She may never even hear this song.

But she'll realize what she's abandoned before long.
Call me optimistic, maybe slightly unrealistic, but I do believe.

Had our ups and downs, I know our smiles turned to frowns, but you said you'd never leave.

No appreciation for my endless dedication that I gave to you.

All I ask is that I get another chance to repay my dues.


She said "I can't do this anymore", slammed the door and ran away, tossed the bouquet into my face, cut the ties beneath the lies, dug into my soul and chased away the butterflies.

Couldn't even hear my cries, some nights I wanna lay in bed and die beneath the ceilings, so fuck these finer feelings, my heart she is not healing...



What I've Lost.

found this quote tonight and i don't think anything could be more relevant right now. it just breaks my heart to know that this is exactly all that i had, all that i have ever wanted in my entire life, and now it's gone. at the current moment in time i have zero faith that i'll ever get it back.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." - Bob Marley

Monday, March 12, 2012

the hardest part

my entire perception of the world is changed right now. the most painful thing has got to be seeing love all around me, but not in me. watching a couple hold hands, or kiss, or just laugh with each other. its just something i wish i could have back in my life because it is such a raw happiness that i've only been able to feel with her. and i know i'm not going to get it back but it doesn't make it hurt any less. i just can't help but to think that we could be just like them, but we're simply not for reasons i'll never be able to either fully explain or comprehend. people aren't aware of how good i am at hiding emotions. the first few days i couldn't even finish my sentences without starting to cry. i locked myself in rooms because i was too embarrassed at what had happened. people think im handling the whole situation really well, but that's the scariest part for me. deep down i'm feeling worse than those first few days. i've lost contact with any emotions. everything feels so numb to me and ive never felt this disconnected from the world. unfortunately for me, she has no idea what she's done to me. she's committed murder in every which way except for that of the physical. nobody understands that the only person who can help me is her, but she remains the most unwilling. as she keeps running away, i keep dying, a slow, painful death.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


i hate fucking people who just exist. it's not that they're bad people by any means, but don't just live life going to school, hanging out with friends, getting a job, death. that is not why we are fucking here, do more with your existence. im not asking you to, im not begging you to, im demanding you to, as a fellow human being. people like this contaminate my life experience and it pisses me off to no end. what's even worse is when people plan for this shit. and what i mean by that is when people PLAN to live normally and lead out an average life. i'll be the first to admit i've done it to but holy shit i can't stand the people who do it on the regular. what i mean by that is people who go around talking about school, or making plans with friends, or their minimum wage job. fuck that. who really gives a shit you shallow minded fools? living "simply" has got to be the largest brainwashing of our population. that's not why we are here, and if you lack the substance you need to shut up and learn from those who do not. it's like trying out for a band without playing an instrument. just. shut. up. i can't stand people, that all they talk about... IS PEOPLE. and things... that have happened... that mean fucking nothing. stop wasting your god damn life. current mood: pissed off so this might not make a lot of sense but i don't care. more coherent thoughts to come real soon. but for now, where the fuck did the substance go?