Friday, September 28, 2012


took me long enough to realize, but the one thing i miss most is love.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


music doesn't love me like a lady can. but music will always love me. tough choice eh? but that's when i remember i don't have one. it was a lady who forced me to fall in love with the music, to fall out of love with her. music is lady, but lady is no music. you see, when you love a lady, love is the in between. love is the transition. love is the verb. but you cannot love music for music is that very verb! music is not a thing, it's an action. if you love music, then you music music, and you love love. it really is that simple. love is music. music is love. and god damn i miss her, whoever she may be.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Up and Up and Up.

i don't mean to reminisce, 
but i miss the days of a youthful bliss.
 i never knew that it would feel like this.
i never knew that i would feel your kiss. 
not that of the lips but that of the soul. 
one day i'll find the other half of my whole
.one day i swear i'll fill that hole. 
no matter how deep it goes, 
only me us and her will know.
 filling it up like water in a cup. 
up and up and up.

Sunday, September 9, 2012


my self esteem is low as fuck.


There's a lot of thoughts going through my head... just swirling around. At times they lift me up and put a smile on my face, but at times they leave me empty and confused. I have an overwhelming desire to try and articulate everything that I'm feeling to perfection but I have little faith in myself to do this right now, as I have little faith in myself to do anything... ever. I think... that my problem right now is that I haven't started on anything in awhile. You see... at this very point in time I have all of the seeds in front of me. In front of my very being is all of this potential, all of this life that could happen, that I could create. While one might point that out as a good thing, I am burdened by the fact that I don't know which seed to harvest, or at least harvest first. It seems such a silly dilemma to not know what option of all things to select but it again is my largest burden. And then beyond my very control comes more and more ideas, overflowing my mind. I'm confused. I'm troubled in the best of ways. I see all of these staircases in front of me but I need to get myself to take the first step on ANY one of them, and then some peace of mind will be obtained for myself. I find it most unfortunate that life's most beautiful aspects are ridden bittersweet. I'm starting to gain perspective on things I've never seen before. It's coming full circle. It's breaking my heart. I feel so guilty and as I should for I longed for the exact same rhythm and flow for so long. I'm starting to question the fibers inside of me. What am I made of? What the fuck am I really made of? And then the idea that scares me the most. Maybe love became part of the map. Maybe I'm becoming less of myself by the day, less of everyone by the day, less of it all by the day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid as I'm typing this but something about the fear inside of me doesn't feel quite right. It's not as strong as I know fear to be. As we become older do we build up an immunity to our emotions? I sure hope not... I like living. But as time goes on I've noticed I feel less highs and lows. It's not getting better either. More just a steady flow of sameness, a happy medium, except it's not quite what I know to be happy. With all of these seeds in front of me, with all of this potential for life and growth, I think it's time to go back to my own seed. I need to dig back inside of myself to remember who I am and maybe even rediscover myself yet again. Yeah... I think I'll do that. Something seems off, but not quite off as it usually does.