Sunday, March 18, 2012

Breaking My Heart

I know you probably won't read this, and you probably don't even know that this blog exists. you never asked about it, and since im not writing poetry about how much i love you anymore i have to get out whats inside of me. you see right now people only see the pain that im going through. i write a song about how bad im hurt day in and day out because i need that human connection. who doesnt wanna feel connected to those they are around? but now that i can't write to you and just tell you that i love you, it needs to come out with what i am feeling at the moment. i miss the days when i could write about happiness and love, i miss being able to relate to that spark of light that you feel when something reminds you of that special someone. there's just so much i wish i could tell you, there's so much that i wish i could talk to you about. i'd do anything in this world just to have a conversation with you but you won't even talk to me anymore. it's why im posting this here. because i need to get this out of me. too many of my words, ideas and thoughts have gone unnoticed or not cared for. im not even allowed to say what i want to say to you. when someone can't be themselves, it just isn't right. have you ever watched someone be forced to be something they are not? have you ever forced anybody to be something they're not? before you answer take a closer look, because you're forcing me to be torn up every single day. at my own cousin's wedding i broke down and started crying outside of the reception because i know you don't care about me anymore. i feel that lack of care with every single move i make, every single second of my life. and i know you did what you did so you wouldn't feel guilty anymore but whether you are with me or not, you are killing me that much more now. i just don't understand, you know i'd lay down my life for you at any second no matter what, but when you're the only one who can help me, and i mean truly help me, you go so far out of your way to do everything but. you can heel the pain, you can stop the bleeding. please stop the bleeding. i proved that i could let you be you. just you. now let me be me. because if i can't be me, then why continue trying to be me. if i cannot love and live the way i want to live and love, then life and love do not matter. if i cannot be me, than i am not that of which i thought i was. i am living a fake life, with fake emotions and not a single passion. i need help. please won't you just talk to me, i'd do anything to just sit and talk with you darlin'. so i know you'll never see this, but after all i put myself through to see you smile, for all the times you threw it back into my face and i told you not to worry about it. for all the love i gave you, and the depth i created for you inside of me. that... i hope you'll eventually see that. because it's getting harder and harder to see me.

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