Friday, March 23, 2012
I don't want to be here. I've accepted that. its just that i dont... feel anymore. and understand what im saying, theres no reason to be afraid. im not going to do anything stupid. but so often lately ive come to realize that ive questioned to much for my own good. what does it matter who yr with, or who yr friends are. what does it matter what school im about to go to. what does it matter if i become rich and famous or live on the streets. what does it matter who gets elected president or who wins the baseball game. what the fuck. why the fuck does anything matter. ive always been told that nobody knows what they're doing in life, and that if you just act like you do, youll become a leader, and a point of inspiration. and while that is definitely true, ive come to the point where i don't want to go through the motions anymore. i know that part of the fun in life is not knowing what's about to come next, but i need something to hold on to. i need something that i can fall back on when i need it. i lost her. and im terribly sorry to say that i haven't had any idea where im going for so long that i've lost my motivation to keep going. i lost her. i've reached such a point of depression that i can't cry, i can no longer feel. i lost her. it's like im faking the life im supposed to be living just so it might get on track again. but let me tell you this is no way to live. im done. im so done. you see she wasn't all my happiness. she wasn't all i lived for. but when push comes to shove there was the illusion that she'd always be there for me. and that held me all together. have you ever held a water bottle upside down? well let's just say that the actual physical bottle is me. the water inside is my life. all that makes me evan, all that makes me happy, sad. all that makes me fucking feel. she was my cap. she kept all of the life inside of me. and now with the cap just gone, i feel like i've had my entire existence just stolen from me. and people just dont fucking get me. at all. like, i understand people fall in and out of love. no fucking shit. but nobody understands how i love. how hard i fucking love. my friends included. i know its a weird thing to wish but, sometimes i wish something really bad would happen just to show how id stand up for them if they needed me, or id be there for them no matter what, and it kills me inside that there's no real way to prove my love. but fuck this, i miss the nights where i would just sit on my bedroom floor crying. i just need to fucking feel something or im going to lose it and i dont care if its the sharpest level of pain. there is not a day of my life where i don't wake up in fear. raw fear. i need some fucking guidance or some fucking help. i just need her to talk to me before i go so fucking crazy. i fucking hate all the people who told me time heels all. you dont know me... at all. realize that time just scars the shit out of me even more. understand that im not evan right now. i have no idea who the fuck i am and id sure love if somebody tried to put a description on me. but fuck i need her to talk to me. just words. conversations. anything. i need my fucking cap back so i can hold some water again, because right now im just dangling empty. don't mean to be cliche with a movie reference, but this is my life, and it's ending one second at a time.
Posted by Evan Camporeale at 10:18 PM