every time i start writing with this feeling inside of me, whether it be a post, a journal entry, some scribbling on a napkin, it always starts off with ‘this is such a weird time in my life,’ or something to that effect. but i’m coming to the conclusion that this isn’t any phase or section of my life, there isn’t a checkpoint five years down the road and once i pass it all of my worries will be no longer. no. this is my life, this is life, this is how it works. there’s been so much building up in me i just need to let it go somewhere. i’m not mad or in any sort of rant mode, i’m not fed up with anything or anybody, i just need to release.
about two months ago i set a goal for myself to find a deeper level of happiness. i tend to fall into this depressive cycle where in the spring and summer i’m energetic, always happy, always just rev’d up. in the winter i’m down on myself, down on life, etc etc. one thing i’ve noticed with this cycle is that i always seem to find someone to talk to, to relate to. someone who may or may not be going through the same thing, but nonetheless that person becomes my ‘go to’ person, pretty much for anything regarding life. but what i found destructive in this is that my happiness was based on that person. these people were saving me, but everything that made me tick relied on whatever they did. when they’re gone im nothing. so for the last two months i’ve completely isolated myself, a lot of times intentionally, and some other times not so much. but i did this in order to go into darker places than i have ever gone before, to rely on solely myself for my own happiness. i went through a 4 week stretch where i didn’t speak to anybody. and just like i always do i over analyzed it. i began thinking of myself as a creep, a loser, whatever bad thing you can think of somebody, that’s how i saw myself. it grew way beyond a lack of confidence, it became a lack of humanity. i came on to sites like tumblr, scrolled through blog posts of people who were going through similar things, sometimes way more drastic, sometimes just petty issues. some induced physical harm and some needed help from other more serious sources. something i let get to me was that everybody i was reading about and everything i read was posted by a female. i began to get really self conscious that im here on tumblr posting away about my internal struggle yet i dont see a single other dude doing this. anywhere. i don’t mean to send off any transgender vibes here, not that that would be a bad thing as i do support to no end and i am very comfortable with who i am as far as that. but it makes me question the world around me as well as the world inside of me. i feel like as a male im supposed to suck it up, take the punches life throws at me and move on. yet here i am writing about my every little aspect that my mind and soul struggle with as if its actually going to help me. i digress. its been a little over 8 weeks now. i can’t help but notice my constant anxiety, my constant depression. the only positive thing that has come of this is that for the first time in my entire life, i don’t rely on anybody else for my happiness. but with this “accomplishment” i feel like i’ve run into a whole world of other problems.
im a little bit afraid of myself. not in the sense that most people are afraid of themselves when they say something like that though. but i know i have a lot of things to fight through on the inside and that scares me in itself. i look in the mirror every day and absolutely despise what i see, both on the inside and out. i heard this great quote a few weeks back about how depressed people are stuck comparing their behind the scenes to other people’s highlight reels. but my highlight reel as of late has been getting drunk and high on weekends, blaring minimalist piano until i cry, staring at my newsfeed on facebook waiting for this beautiful girl i met a bit ago to message me bc i dont have the confidence to, im too scared to be annoying, and i just have this idea inside of me that im simply me, and that’s not good enough and that never will be good enough. how pathetic is that? and then naturally i try to take an outside perspective on all of this because i over analyze everything and then i see myself from somebody elses point of view. like are you kidding me evan? you’re 20 years old, in college, huge party school, lots of people to meet, and you’re in your apartment alone, every damn weekend. that thought only adds to the amount of loser i feel like on a daily basis. i know it’s not healthy. i’ve gotten professional help before for my depression, for add, for general purposes. i have never wasted my time more ruthlessly then when i got help. help doesn’t help me, and that scares me as well.
theres a few people that don’t know it, probably no more than a handful who i really enjoy. i’m not sure if i’ve ever spoken a word to them in my entire life, but every now and then they’ll like a post, or a picture of mine, they’ll post something super cool or whatever. but there’s a common theme in all of this and at 5am i can’t really put it into words but i can tell they get and understand me better than most people. maybe its the fact that i think they see me for who i really am, they see that im really depressed, they see that im really struggling to keep it all together, and even know they don’t know much about me, they feel that, or they’re cool with that. i wish i had the guts to spark a conversation with any of them because i feel like they’d all be really cool people to get to know. i don’t know them at all, but ive had a few instances where people have read things i didn’t think anybody read and positively responded to them, so if you’re one of those people im talking about, and you feel me and understand me and my struggle, my internal bleeding if you will, i love you with all of my heart. thank you. and hopefully someday i muster up enough courage to tell you this, and to get to know you.
oh and i’ve been crying way more than i ever have before. i mean, you can’t just go to people and tell this to them. because 1. if you’re feeling like im feeling you’re gonna be way to afraid of getting judged or any other sort of backlash. yeah, i am indeed a pussy, i got called it enough in middle school to come to terms with it then where i don’t need that anymore seven years later. but the fact that i’ve become this loner in my eyes absolutely wrecks me. i see my current self as everything i would never want to become as a child, everything i would be ashamed of. it’s like im a living failure to my former self, but maybe that’s just what growing up is. i’m always thinking about how much i miss my brother and how much i hate him for ignoring every phone call, text message, email, everything i’ve sent his way over the past… well shit i don’t even know how long its been now. 3-5 years? you get the point. i feel like i’m more nostalgic then anybody i’ve ever met, but im thinking thats because at that point in my life, i didn’t see what was headed for me. i didnt know that the mind was capable of heading off into such dark places. i didn’t know a lot. i don’t know a lot.
i’ve been trying my hardest to better myself as a person in these last two months. i haven’t been the best of friends, the best of sons the best of brothers, the best of students etc etc. i know humans aren’t perfect and im still learning to embrace my own flaws but i want to be the best evan i can be because thats all the world deserves from me. ive been going deeper into my self reflections and meditations in order to see where i can do more good for people as well as myself. at times it gets really frustrating for me when a friend will call me at 3am crying about some guy they weren’t able to hook up with and they expect me to comfort them when only a few minutes earlier i had tears rolling because i was caught up thinking about how long its been since the last time i felt part of a family, or how my constant loneliness is leading me down such a dark path, anything like that. but yes i will gladly talk to you until the sun comes up confirming that everything will be alright and that this guy doesn’t matter and you’re wonderful. we’ll hang up the phone at about 4:30am and you’ll go to bed and wake up fine the next morning. the funny thing is, i never go to bed. i get to stay awake trapped in my own head trying to fight off the demons night after night. they say you get addicted to anything that takes away the pain. alcohol, pot, night in night out, and that’s not at all the man i want to be. i don’t know what im going to do about that yet.
its funny, somebody messaged me a few weeks ago, i guess i had a depressing tweet or some shit and she was like i never understand why at times you seem so unhappy, you seem like such an amazing kid. and then i always get bullshit about how people “love my mind” and crap about how my work is so “deep” and “moving” and all garbage that really doesn’t mean much to me. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i know i’ve given off an elitist impression to people and anybody who knows me, knows thats not me. i appreciate it to no end, but to someone like me who is a very silent kid, who never talks in a room full of people and is constantly observing, taking in taking in taking in, i read people better than a mother reads her 8 year old son. i know when people get me and when people just like something shallowly. and i also know that you can’t fully get me until you fully get me. so to get my thoughts, my work, my whatever, you have to get me, talk with me, be with me, experience what i experience, and from this ive learned that im the only one who will truly understand anything that comes from me. a sad realization.
im honestly scared of talking to a lot of girls because what i have going on in my head is that i haven’t been with anybody for over a year now, i feel like they just see that in me and relate it directly to any other horny dude who wants to hook up with them, and im so deathly afraid of being viewed as that because im the farthest thing from that. i just like getting to know people for what they are, but with all of these fast assumptions and impressions being tossed around its so hard to find anybody who just wants to sit and have a damn conversation. im so fed up with everybody trying to hook up with someone, everybody needing that shallow pleasure, what ever happened to intellectual stimulation? sometimes i can’t wait until i die because the human race makes me sick to my stomach. i have this bipolar view of humanity where i absolutely love meeting and getting to know new people, but i absolutely hate what people are doing to each other, what we’re doing to our planet, just everything and anything. maybe i just need a drastic change of perspective and make my scale a little smaller.
i dont know anymore. getting all of this out unfortunately only made me feel worse. the anxiety mixed with nostalgia is an absolute lethal combination. im literally being torn in half between the forces of future and past. and in my mind i know the only thing that matters is the now. i just wish i could sleep and maybe understand a little more. but i guess i should call it quits while im ahead, or i guess before i get even more behind then i already am.
im so sick of the cold. i wish the sun would come out soon.