thoughts

took me long enough to realize, but the one thing i miss most is love.

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music doesn't love me like a lady can. but music will always love me. tough choice eh? but that's when i remember i don't have one. it was a lady who forced me to fall in love with the music, to fall out of love with her. music is lady, but lady is no music. you see, when you love a lady, love is the in between. love is the transition. love is the verb. but you cannot love music for music is that very verb! music is not a thing, it's an action. if you love music, then you music music, and you love love. it really is that simple. love is music. music is love. and god damn i miss her, whoever she may be.

Up and Up and Up.

i don't mean to reminisce, 
but i miss the days of a youthful bliss.
 i never knew that it would feel like this.
i never knew that i would feel your kiss. 
not that of the lips but that of the soul. 
one day i'll find the other half of my whole
.one day i swear i'll fill that hole. 
no matter how deep it goes, 
only me us and her will know.
 filling it up like water in a cup. 
up and up and up.

untitled

my self esteem is low as fuck.

Could

There's a lot of thoughts going through my head... just swirling around. At times they lift me up and put a smile on my face, but at times they leave me empty and confused. I have an overwhelming desire to try and articulate everything that I'm feeling to perfection but I have little faith in myself to do this right now, as I have little faith in myself to do anything... ever. I think... that my problem right now is that I haven't started on anything in awhile. You see... at this very point in time I have all of the seeds in front of me. In front of my very being is all of this potential, all of this life that could happen, that I could create. While one might point that out as a good thing, I am burdened by the fact that I don't know which seed to harvest, or at least harvest first. It seems such a silly dilemma to not know what option of all things to select but it again is my largest burden. And then beyond my very control comes more and more ideas, overflowing my mind. I'm confused. I'm troubled in the best of ways. I see all of these staircases in front of me but I need to get myself to take the first step on ANY one of them, and then some peace of mind will be obtained for myself. I find it most unfortunate that life's most beautiful aspects are ridden bittersweet. I'm starting to gain perspective on things I've never seen before. It's coming full circle. It's breaking my heart. I feel so guilty and as I should for I longed for the exact same rhythm and flow for so long. I'm starting to question the fibers inside of me. What am I made of? What the fuck am I really made of? And then the idea that scares me the most. Maybe love became part of the map. Maybe I'm becoming less of myself by the day, less of everyone by the day, less of it all by the day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid as I'm typing this but something about the fear inside of me doesn't feel quite right. It's not as strong as I know fear to be. As we become older do we build up an immunity to our emotions? I sure hope not... I like living. But as time goes on I've noticed I feel less highs and lows. It's not getting better either. More just a steady flow of sameness, a happy medium, except it's not quite what I know to be happy. With all of these seeds in front of me, with all of this potential for life and growth, I think it's time to go back to my own seed. I need to dig back inside of myself to remember who I am and maybe even rediscover myself yet again. Yeah... I think I'll do that. Something seems off, but not quite off as it usually does.  

3vn

I am sea. I am tree. I love you from the top of my heart. Three.
Repeat after me. I am free. I love you with all of my heart. She.

Live.

It took me too long to figure this one out, but it finally hit me. There's a reason why they call live music live music. It is because you are truly alive when listening to it. The difference between the two words is absolutely nothing. Live and live. Maybe this is because all of life is live, its always right now, always in the now. I have seen a decent amount of shows in the past year. (Consider the Source, The McLovins, Company of Thieves, Beats Antique, Fun., Phish, Santana, The Allman Brothers, Gathering of the Vibes fest, Yale String Quartet, and Suitcase Rodeo, with a few others.) A lot of it isn't just unlike the others, but on complete opposite sides of the music spectrum. What I have taken in is that I can be inspired in so many different ways. I can be inspired to laugh, to cry, to love, to hate, to everything. I've had the honor of being a part of so many spectacular live moments that it's like learning a new language. Eventually you learn more accurate words to describe situations and occurrences, so why would you ever going back to only using the first word you ever learned? The difference here is that the language I've been learning over the past year is music. It's not that haven't been able to speak it, but this is the first year I've gone to a considerable amount of shows, so I think of it as the first time I've really listened. Listening is important. For a perfect harmony there needs to be an even flow of giving and taking, listening and speaking. I've been getting closer and closer to this harmony, and musically I've never felt more comfortable in my life. I used to always wonder why people mindlessly bopped around looking like foolish baboons while music was being force fed to them. I always appreciated the creation of it, the composition of it. But where I was absurdly wrong was that to appreciate the music as a composer... a creator, you must appreciate it within the audience, feeling it with every limb of your body. It something much bigger than a single soul, something that should be deeply respected from within because from within it is felt. It's not what is being portrayed that makes live music alive. It is the fact that something is being portrayed at all, as simple or complex as one can desire. It's another language within itself, and now I find myself wondering how I could ever go back. Simple answer is that I can't and I won't. Emotions and feelings rise above language all too often, but what takes time to realize is that emotions and feelings coincide with the language of music and the arts. It is something us humans will eventually adopt as our primary languages because they are much more sophisticated, much more complex and detailed, but for now, we will carry on struggling with our basic, primitive words, sentences, and verbal haberdashery. We will remain who we are. Dead.