Breaking The Rules.

For every game there is a set of rules. there are laws and occurrences that just happen because they are logical and there is no way around them. if somebody hits you, you are going to feel pain. if you dive underwater you will not be able to breathe. if you eat a piece of fruit you will no longer be hungry. these are the rules of life. these are the laws of feelings and emotions. however there is one emotion that breaks every single rule we've ever grown up with and that is the one of love. Love makes you happy when you should feel sad, it breaks your heart when you have the world in your hands. its not something that anybody can ever coincide with because love itself is the ultimate rebellion. you will feel it sometimes not because of anything you are doing, feeling or wanting, but depending on what love decides to do. life defies any sort of logic and is influenced by nothing. it is something us humans will never be able to truly grasp because it is simply to real for us. love works in crazy ways and is the only emotion that will go up up and beyond the rest. there is a reason why i long for it so much. it feels like reaching the unattainable, capturing what can not be captured, doing the impossible. love is the most pure and beautiful of emotions, for its free spirit, and rawness.

Before Long.

wrote a song about you know who called 'before long' this past week. love how it came out and slaved over the lyrics because i really wanted it to capture everything that i'm feeling and going through. its mainly a conversation with myself along with some advice people have been giving me and how she reacted to some shit. hopefully we'll preform it in a few weeks or so and i can NOT wait until then. i can only express what is inside of me, and unfortunately at the current moment it is raw heartbreak. hope you enjoy, hope you can't relate.

Get up off the floor my boy, there's so much of the world you've yet to see.

I know there's nothing I can say to make the pain all go away, you're just like me.

Got a heart bigger than all of New York City, like broken glass in a world of self-pity and I can't stand to see you like this anymore.

So take your hands and roll the dice, stay steady through the tunnel so you can see the light once more.

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(Chorus)

If you're going through hell, just keep on going.

There's nothing you can do but you gotta' stay knowing,

That it's darkest before the dawn.

You have the strength to carry on.

She may never even hear this song.

But she'll realize what she's abandoned before long.

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Call me optimistic, maybe slightly unrealistic, but I do believe.

Had our ups and downs, I know our smiles turned to frowns, but you said you'd never leave.

No appreciation for my endless dedication that I gave to you.

All I ask is that I get another chance to repay my dues.

(Chorus)

She said "I can't do this anymore", slammed the door and ran away, tossed the bouquet into my face, cut the ties beneath the lies, dug into my soul and chased away the butterflies.

Couldn't even hear my cries, some nights I wanna lay in bed and die beneath the ceilings, so fuck these finer feelings, my heart she is not healing...

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

What I've Lost.

found this quote tonight and i don't think anything could be more relevant right now. it just breaks my heart to know that this is exactly all that i had, all that i have ever wanted in my entire life, and now it's gone. at the current moment in time i have zero faith that i'll ever get it back.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." - Bob Marley

the hardest part

my entire perception of the world is changed right now. the most painful thing has got to be seeing love all around me, but not in me. watching a couple hold hands, or kiss, or just laugh with each other. its just something i wish i could have back in my life because it is such a raw happiness that i've only been able to feel with her. and i know i'm not going to get it back but it doesn't make it hurt any less. i just can't help but to think that we could be just like them, but we're simply not for reasons i'll never be able to either fully explain or comprehend. people aren't aware of how good i am at hiding emotions. the first few days i couldn't even finish my sentences without starting to cry. i locked myself in rooms because i was too embarrassed at what had happened. people think im handling the whole situation really well, but that's the scariest part for me. deep down i'm feeling worse than those first few days. i've lost contact with any emotions. everything feels so numb to me and ive never felt this disconnected from the world. unfortunately for me, she has no idea what she's done to me. she's committed murder in every which way except for that of the physical. nobody understands that the only person who can help me is her, but she remains the most unwilling. as she keeps running away, i keep dying, a slow, painful death.

substance.

i hate fucking people who just exist. it's not that they're bad people by any means, but don't just live life going to school, hanging out with friends, getting a job, death. that is not why we are fucking here, do more with your existence. im not asking you to, im not begging you to, im demanding you to, as a fellow human being. people like this contaminate my life experience and it pisses me off to no end. what's even worse is when people plan for this shit. and what i mean by that is when people PLAN to live normally and lead out an average life. i'll be the first to admit i've done it to but holy shit i can't stand the people who do it on the regular. what i mean by that is people who go around talking about school, or making plans with friends, or their minimum wage job. fuck that. who really gives a shit you shallow minded fools? living "simply" has got to be the largest brainwashing of our population. that's not why we are here, and if you lack the substance you need to shut up and learn from those who do not. it's like trying out for a band without playing an instrument. just. shut. up. i can't stand people, that all they talk about... IS PEOPLE. and things... that have happened... that mean fucking nothing. stop wasting your god damn life. current mood: pissed off so this might not make a lot of sense but i don't care. more coherent thoughts to come real soon. but for now, where the fuck did the substance go?

art.

while playing oltremare by einaudi tonight... this morning... i realized something very absurd. that during parts of it my hands were SO stretched out over the piano, that if the music asked for me to reach a key further i wouldn't be able to do it. my point is, the piece writes to the limits of a human being. it hit the wall, it reached the ceiling. now, i realize i am not playing things that are barely humanly possible to play... but for einaudi to write such a piece, to reach out that far into what a human being can do is mind blowing. when you apply this concept to other forms of art you can truly see why what we consider great, to be so great. it is either so complex or so challenging that it is barely possible to preform, and only those willing to put the time and effort into will not only be the only ones to truly appreciate it, but be able to preform it as well. like all else in this world, ignorance is bliss. something so complex can sound so simple and peaceful to most people, but the fact that a composition or work of art has the ability to go deeper is exactly what makes it so great. the deeper it can go inside someone's soul... in complexity, without losing its basic form, the greater it becomes, and the larger the audience it will pertain to. its like jumping across a pond via lily pads. if you are surrounded by water and want to continue forward you are going to choose the lily pad that is closest to you. (the shallowest) however if two are equally shallow to you and one is longer than the other, youre going to choose the one that is longer because it gets you closer to the final destination. (the deeper) while pieces are much more intriguing when they have the ability to go deep, they still must be able to be appreciated by one that has zero knowledge of music. the fact that it fills both ends of the spectrum is what makes it beautiful. i have listened to it in very shallow form, and now the blood and sweat all over my piano right now is a testament to how badly i want to feel the deepest of the deep through my art which is piano. unfortunately i know i can never feel what einaudi was feeling because i would have to compose the same exact piece without knowledge of what already exists. i can come close, but i'll never be able to dig myself far enough in, leaving myself permanently unsatisfied.

4am.

it used to be once every few months. it slowly turned into once a month, once a week, and now it is practically every day. up till the wee hours of the morning, just long enough to see the sun begin the new day... just working. on what exactly? anything and everything. doesn't fuckin matter. all i know is that im going to change this goddamn world. i do not care if it is one by fucking one until i reach all six billion, im going to change it. laugh at me if you will because im just a broke college kid with a dream, but im not one to just talk. infact if you know me i prefer to stay pretty quiet at most times. i let my actions speak for themselves and i let them carry my message. I will not stop until i leave my mark, I promise you that. I will carry out, what I was put on this beautiful planet to do. Help me or hurt me, you will never be able to stop me, and more importantly... you'll never be able to stop all that is inside of me.