Could

There's a lot of thoughts going through my head... just swirling around. At times they lift me up and put a smile on my face, but at times they leave me empty and confused. I have an overwhelming desire to try and articulate everything that I'm feeling to perfection but I have little faith in myself to do this right now, as I have little faith in myself to do anything... ever. I think... that my problem right now is that I haven't started on anything in awhile. You see... at this very point in time I have all of the seeds in front of me. In front of my very being is all of this potential, all of this life that could happen, that I could create. While one might point that out as a good thing, I am burdened by the fact that I don't know which seed to harvest, or at least harvest first. It seems such a silly dilemma to not know what option of all things to select but it again is my largest burden. And then beyond my very control comes more and more ideas, overflowing my mind. I'm confused. I'm troubled in the best of ways. I see all of these staircases in front of me but I need to get myself to take the first step on ANY one of them, and then some peace of mind will be obtained for myself. I find it most unfortunate that life's most beautiful aspects are ridden bittersweet. I'm starting to gain perspective on things I've never seen before. It's coming full circle. It's breaking my heart. I feel so guilty and as I should for I longed for the exact same rhythm and flow for so long. I'm starting to question the fibers inside of me. What am I made of? What the fuck am I really made of? And then the idea that scares me the most. Maybe love became part of the map. Maybe I'm becoming less of myself by the day, less of everyone by the day, less of it all by the day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid as I'm typing this but something about the fear inside of me doesn't feel quite right. It's not as strong as I know fear to be. As we become older do we build up an immunity to our emotions? I sure hope not... I like living. But as time goes on I've noticed I feel less highs and lows. It's not getting better either. More just a steady flow of sameness, a happy medium, except it's not quite what I know to be happy. With all of these seeds in front of me, with all of this potential for life and growth, I think it's time to go back to my own seed. I need to dig back inside of myself to remember who I am and maybe even rediscover myself yet again. Yeah... I think I'll do that. Something seems off, but not quite off as it usually does.  

3vn

I am sea. I am tree. I love you from the top of my heart. Three.
Repeat after me. I am free. I love you with all of my heart. She.

Live.

It took me too long to figure this one out, but it finally hit me. There's a reason why they call live music live music. It is because you are truly alive when listening to it. The difference between the two words is absolutely nothing. Live and live. Maybe this is because all of life is live, its always right now, always in the now. I have seen a decent amount of shows in the past year. (Consider the Source, The McLovins, Company of Thieves, Beats Antique, Fun., Phish, Santana, The Allman Brothers, Gathering of the Vibes fest, Yale String Quartet, and Suitcase Rodeo, with a few others.) A lot of it isn't just unlike the others, but on complete opposite sides of the music spectrum. What I have taken in is that I can be inspired in so many different ways. I can be inspired to laugh, to cry, to love, to hate, to everything. I've had the honor of being a part of so many spectacular live moments that it's like learning a new language. Eventually you learn more accurate words to describe situations and occurrences, so why would you ever going back to only using the first word you ever learned? The difference here is that the language I've been learning over the past year is music. It's not that haven't been able to speak it, but this is the first year I've gone to a considerable amount of shows, so I think of it as the first time I've really listened. Listening is important. For a perfect harmony there needs to be an even flow of giving and taking, listening and speaking. I've been getting closer and closer to this harmony, and musically I've never felt more comfortable in my life. I used to always wonder why people mindlessly bopped around looking like foolish baboons while music was being force fed to them. I always appreciated the creation of it, the composition of it. But where I was absurdly wrong was that to appreciate the music as a composer... a creator, you must appreciate it within the audience, feeling it with every limb of your body. It something much bigger than a single soul, something that should be deeply respected from within because from within it is felt. It's not what is being portrayed that makes live music alive. It is the fact that something is being portrayed at all, as simple or complex as one can desire. It's another language within itself, and now I find myself wondering how I could ever go back. Simple answer is that I can't and I won't. Emotions and feelings rise above language all too often, but what takes time to realize is that emotions and feelings coincide with the language of music and the arts. It is something us humans will eventually adopt as our primary languages because they are much more sophisticated, much more complex and detailed, but for now, we will carry on struggling with our basic, primitive words, sentences, and verbal haberdashery. We will remain who we are. Dead.

Exploration

I'm not really sure what i'm going through right now. I feel like ive been discovering so much... so fast... and the problem isn't that of what im discovering... its that of me... the mere fact that im not sure i can take it all in as fast as its being handed to me. For now I think I'm okay with the current pace, but I feel like I'm running with someone whos just a tad faster than me. I need my time to inhale, to truly comprehend, and then go forth yet again and discover even more. There is just SO MUCH HAPPENING. Its a beautiful thing don't get me wrong, but true growth has to leave the one who is growing much feeling of discomfort.  Musically, spiritually, intellectually, artistically, instinctively... just growing. (ex: listened to a song tonight that i first heard back in january of this year. in january i absolutely hated it. i didn't understand it, it hurt my ears, it was hard to pick anything off of. i couldn't even get through the first layer of it. but that was the problem. see i had been looking at it all the wrong way. i looked at the piece of music as something you had to penetrate back then. that a song was a cup of water, and to get into the middle of it you had to go head first. now when i listened to the same song again, i fell in love with it. i didn't see it as a cup of water anymore, but in my mind i split the water into different sections. i heard everything individually and THATS how it came together as a whole. it can be one hell of a task to separate a substance such as water into smaller substances of water, or music into small bits of music, but doing just that helped me understand, to appreciate, and to enjoy.)

You can't see the ocean and not see the waves. You can't see the waves and not see the ocean. Try it.

 Often times this extensive growth and discovery of self and surroundings has left me more uncomfortable than i'm comfortable with. weird thing to say i know, how can anyone be comfortable with being uncomfortable... but I know deep down that being uncomfortable only means that growth is occurring. What I have NOW learned is that constant growth is useless. There needs to be check points along the way (not to appreciate the growth, that only builds the ego) but to appreciate all that is. Life, living, and all that jazz. Often times I also find myself really missing that anchor in my life, something that I can always come back to and know that it's gonna be there for me, the same as it always was. There's a sense of comfort that comes with that, that I can't deny. I can't. I am one who gets easily disgusted with repetitiveness, constantly appreciating the "new", constantly begging for change, not for the sake of change, but for the sake of growth itself. But I need that something, I need that one thing. Not sure what it is yet. I'll get back to you. Hopefully...
The idea that happiness is only real when shared is becoming more and more evident in my life as well. It's something that has always hit a special note inside of me, but it just becoming more and more real. This being the case I expect it to be that more real as I continue to grow. However the irony lies in the fact that as I continue to grow, I have less and less people to share this happiness with. Less and less people understand me. Less and less people see my vision, share my dreams, my goals, my day to day aspirations. There's an impending feeling inside of me that soon enough, very soon in fact, that I won't have anybody to share the happiness with. The feeling that no matter what one may say, what one may intend, it's not them that will leave me, it's me that will leave them. I feel as though I am traveling at a pace (on my own path) that is just too fast for any soul to keep up with, losing myself further and further on my own trail of life. Losing myself in the sense implies that it's something that I don't want to be happening, and that's not true. I want to go down my trail as fast I possibly can! Who wouldn't? But at the same time the discomfort that I am feeling is coming from leaving my anchor behind. Leaving everything I've known into a constant unknown. Conflicted would be a good word to describe the situation. The inner turmoil which I am experiencing is not something I have any idea how to solve... only adding to the situation. I think... i think... (haha. i know jack shit.) i think... that one of the hardest things for me is the realization that i can't just share my life with someone. Think about it. what greater happiness than life... and if happiness is only real when shared (which i believe it is) than life is only real when shared. And how on earth can I be happy when I can't share my life with someone? Not for approval, not for support, just to be together. It's funny how simple of a concept that can seem at first but how many complex annotations it carries along with it. Be together. Even just the word. It's so simple... so basic in it's outer shell. Be. But deep inside it's everything that it bring along that makes simply being, not so simply being. Of course I understand that my path will cross into others eventually, and maybe paths can intertwine. But the fact of that matter is, any path who is headed towards collision with mine, is going to have about, at least 20 years of unknowing.
Has the past 19.5 years been filled with unhappiness? I don't think so...

Think... not know...


This leads me to think about whether happiness has to be shared with the same person for it to be true happiness. Maybe there are different levels of happiness. Maybe that's the ultimate happiness. Life. To be, and just to BE. together. I don't know. I'll never know. I'll only grow. Check back on this one later.

once in a blue moon.

so many times i get made fun of, or questioned, or simply just looked at with a sense of confusion. it confusing to me because if im not always pursuing a women, all of my friends simply think that im hiding something from them. your answer is no, its just that our priorities are not at all the same. my greatest aspirations will not be interrupted by the basic pleasures of life. the st important lesson i learned in high school (not because it was told to me, but because i lived it) is that 'fun is the end result of hard work, everything else is just cheap entertainment.' however it was often brought up that cheap entertainment is indeed needed, and that is what this blog post is for. its something i rarely think about or even concern myself with because there is so much more in this world than simple pleasures, but yeah they are nice sometimes and yes once in a blue moon it does get to me. however it is certainly something i have grown to get used to as well. i've been called ugly and goofy the majority of my life and i specifically remember times throughout school when i merely touched an article of clothing or brushed against someone by accident and had people muttering to their friends about how they need to burn their clothing or take a very long shower to be clean again. in a way i am thankful because i've hardened up and its made me realize the more important aspects of life, but it still comes around to get me every once in awhile. on nights like these i think about how often i try not to let it bug me, or how little meaning it has in my life, and how it came to be. its like one of these days its just gonna swallow me up. a compilation of all the shallow desires ive ever had will finally come back to eat me. it makes me angry that this gets to me but it does. i dont know why. i dont have an explanation for it. im not even necessarily looking for one. but we'll come back to that later. its really made me into who i am though. i am possibly the least touchy person you'll ever meet because im too afraid that i'll get practically yelled at (or the equivalent in some other form). its just gets really hard to live with every once in awhile. thats all. the ironic part is that everyone comes to ME with their boy/girl problems. well... not everyone, but someone is ALWAYS coming up to me for advice or just to let all of their shit out on. every time i hear a story about how a boyfriend is fucking other chicks, or some guy is using you for your good looks, or your girl doesn't always go down on you when you want you to, im just caught thinking to myself like 'damn man, im 19, in college, and when every other guy and girl seems to be as horny as possibly can be, i just see so far beyond that. it has such a small signifigance in my life. but it still has some.' the problem is when i do desire something of that variety i do not even know where to begin. it sucks. most of the time i dont give a shit. most of the time if not all of the time its not even worth it. its just something i needed to get out. something that bothers me more than it should. its just part of breaking out of the norms that society has placed for us. its hard, but its a growing process. however, regardless of what society tells me i should be doing, its something that is still desired once in a navy crescent. unfortunately its nothing i can do anything about, and i guess we'll see how things go as time moves on. nothing to get down about, just a flee on the windsh

The Valley "Behind the Scenes"

progressing with my work for 'the valley' which is comin out real soon. got asked to do a behind the scenes vid from a few people so i figured why not... narration for most of it... thar she blows:

When the Farmington Valley Film commission contacted me about creating something to be the opener for their summer film fete, at first I struggled to generate ideas as to what would be suitable, and worthwhile to them, to me, and to whoever would be watching. Knowing that the only limitations on what I could do was that I had to film specifically in the valley itself, I thought, why not capture the beauty of the entire valley, and what better a way to do it than with a series of time lapses taking in not only the most magnificent of scenes, but the little aspects that make the valley truly a special place.

When I first started talking to people about my idea, there was a surprising amount of interest that came along with it. Because it would be so hard to bring everybody along, a few people had asked me to make a behind the scenes video to really give people an idea of how much work actually goes into something like this, which is why this exists in the first place.

The scariest part along the way was the pressure to truly portray all that the valley is... to all of us. Not only the epic landscapes, breathtaking skyscapes and the memorable landmarks, but something I tried to really key in on was the human aspect of the valley as well. The trees and the mountains and the lakes were all here long before we were, and will be here long after we're gone, but the only thing to represent the present, the now, is us. The environment we live in coinciding with those who inhabit it is what I was primarily focusing on throughout the project.

One of the greatest challenges I encountered was the weather. Given only a month to complete the project I had to quickly determine where and when I was going to shoot, given whatever mother nature decided to dish out to me. Whether it be thunderstorm and tornado warnings, or rain droplets and morning dew getting on my lenses mid shoot, or having only one clear night a week to go out and shoot the stars demanding that I work around the clock, mother nature never failed at adding an extra level of stress to the work.

My favorite part of the project was definitely the people. Not only those who came along with me to some of the shoots, but to those I encountered along the way. From some crazy kids jumping off waterfalls to people slowing down their cars in the middle of the road to have driveby conversations with me about cameras and lenses and all things photography, it was a pleasant surprise to me as to where I found some of my inspiration.

Often times we forget that we live in such a beautiful area, but what I have learned in the past month is that we are also what makes this area as beautiful as it is. The cohesive flow of life hand in hand with the breathtaking nature around us is what makes the valley truly thrive. My only goal for this project became to capture that very flow, that raw beauty of everything that we are amerced in.

I hope more than anything else that its enjoyed and appreciated by all who live here, and have ever passed through. It feels good to finally give back to the place I have called home for so long. But I'm still not sure that any medium of art can truly do it justice.  

Fear.

recent thoughts while camping out at the beach with a few of my best friends. must've been told it was illegal to sleep on the beach about 50 times. must've told 50 different people that i don't give a fuck. it's not about being a "badass" of sorts or trying to be a rebellious kid. it's about understanding my surroundings and coming to the realization that this world is just as much mine as it is anybody elses. i refuse to listen to anybody. i use the tools the Earth has provided me with to continue my process of becoming. let's utilize what we have and enjoy it together, in happiness and love. keep in mind that there's nothing more disgusting in this world than those who seek authority. What is authority but an oblivion to love and compassion between the human race. We exist under rules and regulations, but we live, we flourish, by abolishing them... By breaking and extinguishing the very foundation that has been laid out for us to nitpick but not revolutionize. Size is irrelevant because imperium is a falsity. Don't let a single droplet of power hold any influence over your incomparable soul. Be you. Be free. Fear nothing.