Death

“There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death. They don't honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can't hear it. Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die.”
― Charles Bukowski

An Artist With No Tools.

So many times I find myself just wishing I could express myself the way I want to. Through art, through music, through visuals and thought. Without the tools to give yourself justice it brings your spirit down. The only self-reflection that I have is what comes out of me. If nothing is coming out of me then I am exactly that, nothing. Nothing is more frustrating than to not be able to express what is on the inside. We are all such beautiful human beings on the inside, but what the fuck is it good for if there is nobody to see it? I'm so sick of living from just within myself. Nobody should have to be the only ones who can see who they truly are. Everybody's got a lot in them. Everybody deserves to get it out. No exception over here.

Not What It Looks Like. (The Plan)

Sorry about this post guys. Its an essay I had to write for class, but it had some points that I feel strongly about, especially how I'm majoring in communication and everybody assumes that its the verbal kind but its anything but. I think one of the most beautiful things in this world is to be able to communicate without using spoken language, but rather to convey feelings and emotion through various art forms. The depth in which we understand reality becomes a whole lot deeper when indulged in music and art, than simply just words. Here ya go:

When one is entering into the field of communication, it is often assumed that they are there to simply study either verbal or written communication from one source to another. Public relations and social work come to mind, while making speeches and persuading others for a living seem to be in a communication major's near future. This is not at all why I chose to be a communication major. Central Connecticut State University is only my first step along the way. I plan to transfer to Marist, Ithaca, or preferably Emerson after one year here to major in Cinematography and Videography, cinematography being “bringing a story to life visually,” (1) and videography being video production whilst bringing “imagination and artistry to their videos.” (2) My dream is to work for ESPN, and I want to change the way we view the sporting world. I want to convey the way we watch sports as more than just an event, but a moment that those who are watching will never forget.

The foundation of my career has officially begun at Central Connecticut State University. Entering in as a freshman for the fall semester was a very large step in my life. With college kicking off I was no longer just a student, but a student with a focus on a particular area of work which happened to be communication. In high school, you couldn't find a student who was as sure as I was about my intended major. The only field I wanted to be involved in was communication and there was no other way. I never knew what I wanted to do much past that however. Often times I had heard the debate of whether to be in front of the camera, or behind the camera and at the time, I would have been very content with either one. Nothing has changed from that time, considering I still would be very pleased with being in front of, or behind a camera in the process of making a living, however what has changed from high school, is that I now have a preference. While being a journalist or an anchor would be an exhilarating experience to say the least, I was meant to be behind the camera. Controlling what people see and how they view it, is a gift that only few can possess. It would be honor to let others in on how I view the world, because I feel that the more perspectives we have on a matter or an event, the better we can fully understand it.

My first step to reaching my intended career at Central is ironically enough, getting out of Central. Yes, Central has a fine communication program, but over the course of my time here I have already noticed something that doesn't fit well with me. The program here specializes much more in the public relations side of things than the media and multimedia side. Now I never had any intention of staying my entire four years a Central and still do not. I am aiming to graduate from a school that can put me in a position of success fresh out of college, something I do not believe that Central can offer me in the field of communication. My number one transfer school Emerson, has exactly what Central doesn't. The reputation, the equipment, and the ghastly tuition covering up the reason I am attending CCSU in the first place. Once I successfully transfer into the school of my graduation, college will become a lot more fun for me. No longer will I have to worry about my immediate future, and I will have a lot of the gritty general education work behind me. At the new school of my graduation I will be able to focus heavily upon my major because the classes that I will be taking will be mostly ones relating to my major. This is because, while intending to transfer out of Central, the credits don't always transfer over all too well, requiring myself to set up a schedule that doesn't necessarily fit best with my intended major, but sets myself up best for the long run in terms of transferring out. I feel that once I am out and on to studying the subjects in which I have also shown a passion for, school will no longer feel like school. Learning will no longer be a drag, and I will be deeply inspired to explore the new opportunities that I have at my new school. Another bonus will be the people I am working with. At Central, it really is a melting pot. This however isn't always a bad thing unless of course you are like me and know exactly what you would like to accomplish in your future. Because of the fact I'm applying to a film school, naturally I am rather excited to be working around other young minds who share a passion for expression through video as I do. Instead of being made fun of by someone who does not share the same passion, odds are encouragement will be offered and work can be products of an enlightened point of view, rather than one that has been discouraged time and time again. The atmosphere of which I will be working in the future is something I greatly look forward to.

After graduation of my next school comes the more complicated part. What I do post-college really depends on where I end up transferring to from Central. If I do indeed end up going to Emerson, chances are I will have it pretty easy. Emerson College has quite the name and their students are almost guaranteed decent paying jobs right after college. “The number of Emerson graduates who have not only found work in the entertainment industry, but are wielding significant influence, has exploded in the worlds of television, film, the Web, and publishing.” (3) Odds are I will find a small company in the Boston area doing some production work and latch on to them for awhile and slowly build my name. The short term goal here isn't the money, it's the experience, and the reputation building. The long term goal coming out of a school like Emerson would be to work at a major corporation such as a Pixar, Dreamworks, or Columbia to name a few. Unfortunately ESPN does not require such a vast knowledge of Cinematography to work for them because there is much less of a place for that in the world of sports. However if this is the case, I will remain persistent with them and see if I can get my foot in the door any way possible. It is safe to say that my options are wide open coming out of Emerson. Now if that situation doesn't work out, or if I choose to go down a different path for whatever reason, I always have Marist and Ithaca as my back up plan. Both schools are in upstate New York, and at both I would major in Sports Communications, something Emerson does not offer to their students. I figure out of either of these schools, after graduation I would try and get a job doing something involving sports, whether its an internship with a team, or a broadcasting company. I am lucky enough to have just landed a job with Foothills Media Group as a local sports writer and will be covering many basketball games in the Farmington Valley this winter. My own boss Dan Podheiser an Emerson graduate himself claims that “Students are much more well off after getting an education involving a lot of work in the field, rather than just time in the class.” After graduation I will need some small jobs to build up my resume, especially if I plan on doing video work for ESPN. The experience I have will allow me to go where I want to go.

Captain.

When I was very young and barely even in grade school, it was my dream to be a professional athlete. The reason truthfully enough was never the money or the fame. I was in love with the game of basketball, everything about it. It became my life, and those who knew me then could testify to this. At this age that everyone had incredibly unrealistic dreams. As I grew older, I looked around at my little town. Everybody seemed to have given up on themselves and their big elaborate plans they had laid out earlier in life. I was still determined to do what I had set out to do. And then it really hit me. I wanted to become what I set out to become to prove to everyone around me that it could be done. I wanted to leave a legacy in my town for generations to come, so that when a kid growing up started to lose faith in himself, he could look to me as a source of inspiration to keep going, that it could be done. I wanted to do the impossible so that others that came after me believed that they could to. This drived my entire existence. As I grew even older, I soon saw even my own dreams begin to fade. I referred to this sensation as becoming a "victim of broken dreams" and that the good majority of us were victims. My dream to inspire people did not fade however, it just became harder to find ways to do so. Now, I realized a lot of things through sports, but they can easily be translated into other fields of life. In my early years of high school, I was always a really good athlete, but I never had felt comfortable on any teams. There was always such a pressure to act a certain way, play a certain role, and it always left me feeling very out of place, silently continuing my work and not making a big deal of it. However in my last few years of high school, things changed. I was now in charge of the teams that I had played a smaller role on my whole life. I was a captain, and I now had voice to control what I wanted. Little did anybody know, the only thing that I had ever wanted, was no control. I had realized along the way, that the best of teams were the ones that didn't set rules for each other. When I was a captain, my main priority was to let everybody be who they really were. While some thought I wasn't vocal enough as a captain sometimes, I just thought to myself, just let me be me. Let everyone be who they really are. After awhile everyone actually was becoming who they really were. We as a whole, had learned to love each other for the people that we were, instead of the people that we were supposed to be. This made us into more than just a team, but a family, one that I can go to whenever I need, because to them I can just be me, and there is nothing more beautiful. Yes people aren't perfect, thanks for letting me know that, you think I haven't fucking figured that out yet? We all have our insecurities and flaws and annoyances, but they are part of what makes up the human equation. Let them be, and life becomes just a little more beautiful. Be you, and let others be themselves. Slowly this world will take on a whole new identity of individualism. But because of this individualism, the connection between the individuals will grow much stronger. Acceptance will be through the roof, and peace will be much more prominent in a world where being yourself is almost the last thing that any of us are.

Colorblind.

Take a look at the photo that I posted above. If I were to tell you that one of these two babies would live under the poverty line for the majority of their entire life, drop out of high school, and end up in jail at least once in their lives, which one would you assume it to be? If you had to bet your life on it, which baby would you choose? I don't believe I am going out on a limb when I assume you didn't choose the white baby. This is a drastic problem in our world that we need to fix. This experiment proves that while a good amount of people in this world may not be "racist", they still see differences in skin color and make judgments off of that prerequisite. This epidemic of white supremacy is often referred to as "white privilege". White privilege is a very large problem in our society but it's not an issue that gets brought much attention due to white privilege. Let me explain. White privilege is an unspoken rule, that you should always give someone of European decent the benefit of the doubt, when up against anybody from any other race. Now because of this unspoken rule, more white people are in greater positions of power. With this comes much more credibility, and when you have credibility, you hold the power of persuasion. So because white people are the only ones that can persuade the population that there is something wrong in the first place, nothing will progress as it should. Because in our bullshit capitalist society where holding the upper-hand is everything, when whites hold the upper-hand in everything, why the fuck would we want to give that up? Why would we want to lessen the power we have? Why would we want to have less credibility and authority over others? It's unfortunate to hear these questions even be asked. Yes as a race there might be a few benefits here and there, but as a human race we are being hurt. Our capitalist minds were brought up to feed on those weaker than us in order to survive. Darwin brought the same ideals into the public eye in the 19th century. For once we as a human population need to forget what we were brought up with, and realize there is much more to life than seeking self-benefit. Yes, most of us white folk aren't raging racists and do not shout derogatory terms and dehumanize other races. However as a race, we still pass an obscene amount of judgment upon others from differing races. We need to no longer judge somebody by the color of their skin, but by the human they are on the inside. I am no exception to the rule, I am just somebody who realizes that there is a problem with this. In a world where only about 4% of humanity is white, who are we to dictate the tempo of existence? We need to think outside of our own lives and put on their shoes and try to walk a few miles. Most of us probably wouldn't even be able to tie the laces.

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple.

This one pisses me off. Let's get one thing straight. No pun intended. I am a male. I have a girlfriend who I love ever so much. Not once in my life have I ever been attracted to a male being. I grow rather larger beards on occasion. I am as straight as they come. Yet for some reason I get rather strange looks when I support gay rights or anything else that involves LGBT rights. It should not be weird for one to support them. If anything they do makes you uncomfortable then you freakin deserve to be uncomfortable. (As long as it is not past the point of blatantly offending someone). Who the flying fuck are you to say that these people can love who they want to love? Take a moment and try their shoes on for a bit and see how that feels. To the bible thumpers, I'm not attacking you. I want you to maintain your beliefs, but to try and inflict others with your same beliefs is so wrong. To influence the law in such a way where it is frowned upon for people in this world to love who they love makes me want to vomit. It's practically ethnocentric and has no place in this world. Too many people are judgmental in the worst of ways. People need to see the world from an outside perspective and not always be so self-centered. They need to consider the fact that they too can be wrong and accept the possibility that their way might not always be the best way. The sooner they realize this, the faster this world can change for the better. When people call me a "faggot" or "gay" for wearing a woman's watch, or woman's hairbands on my wrist, or skinny jeans, I don't react. They don't deserve a reaction from me. For they are promoting hate, when all I want to do is promote love in the truest form.

The Enormity Of It All.

I came across a very strong realization this past summer. Well maybe not a realization but more of a feeling I guess. We had just left Moab, Utah and the sun had begun to set. The reflections off of the mountains in the distance were one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Once we had driven around them, the sun seemed so far off and you could see the desert just trailing on and on. I don't know why then, I don't know why there, but at that moment I gained an appreciation for the enormity of it all. Back in high school, people made their jokes about 'the valley'. We as students were always told that we needed to get out of 'the valley'. No explanation was ever given as to why we needed to get out, but simply enough we needed to get out. I had been out before, but the concept of graduation was settling in as well. I had no reason to ever come back... The concept of home dwindled a bit. But out in the middle of Utah on that summer night, it really hit me how large of a place this is. For the first time in my life, I was so far from home, and in a place that nobody would recognize. Yes I was 2,000 miles from home, but it felt as if I were 200,000 miles from home. The fact of the matter is, I don't think it would have made a difference. I was away from everything I had known my whole life, and driving... just driving. Hour after hour passed and the only thing that had changed was the location of the sun in the sky. I kept thinking to myself, "I knew it was big, but I never knew it was this big". It related back to something I had learned only a short while ago. That the more you know, the more you realize you don't know. In this case, the more I had seen, the more I realized I hadn't seen. Being able to just gaze out at the stars every night gave me the same impression. The beauty of it all was indescribable. But I was only a kid, seeing all of this through one set of eyes. I am so small compared to everything around me. I am so small compared to everything I pass through. I am so small compared to all of the populations I encounter, and more importantly the ones I will never see, not in size, but in amount. I am only one, and on just this world there is over six billion. Who is to say for sure what is beyond our own planet. But the stars that came out at night provided proof that we are even smaller. All of this gave me a feeling that we don't matter. Nothing we do is going to make a difference on this planet. We are here to be proceeded and then forgotten. Kind of depressing isn't it? But at the same time it was also quite heart-warming for me. With all of us being such small creatures on such a small planet in the middle of who knows where, how amazing is it that we know the people that we know and love? Think about it. The chances of us coming into contact with the people we interact with on a daily basis are beyond anything we could imagine. Do you love somebody? I do. Many people in fact. And this realization of how big this place really is gave me a piercing appreciation of the relationships I have with my family and friends. The chances that we even met each other were slimmer than a crack in the sidewalk. I am just one story in a library full of billions and billions. A story that opened up a little more than I thought it would on this summer evening. I realized why I had to get 'out of the valley'. Hopefully I can pass the message along as best as I can to get out. People need to stop living in such a cube because you cannot fully appreciate something when you are on the inside of it. You also cannot fully appreciate something when you have never been on the inside. Take a moment, one small moment of your life to escape everything you know, so you are able to see something that you could have never imagined. It almost brought a tear to my eye when I did, and I know now that I need to escape every now and then, just to gain a bit of perspective on everything. We live in a pretty big place. Explore it, appreciate it, and be free.

Obey.

I'm going through a weird time in my life. I can't seem to land the simplest of jobs. School seems to be a struggle for me. I'm getting decent grades now but not with much ease. Yet, when I hear my classmates or my professors talk, the shit they say is so basic and nearly primitive. I consistently feel like I'm two steps ahead of most people yet I have nothing to prove for it. I've got an idea that maybe I'm supposed to take a risk to get to where I am supposed to go. Maybe I am destined for great things and that's why I struggle to simply be 'average.' With so much to not understand, the stress is almost unbearable especially on nights like tonight. I can just be so scared sometimes... I'll figure it out.

There's people who just aren't meant for this world. It's hard to notice them at first but after awhile you can tell who they are. There's a certain distance that they carry with them that most will never see. And when I say this, I assure you there is no reason to be afraid. I mean, we are young people filled with life, yet we're wasting it away like drones simply obeying what is already here for us. Does nobody else see anything wrong with that? Everybody talks about being an individual and being 'free' but when you take a moment to zoom out, everyone is the exact same. You included. Myself included. All of us. We're all afraid to take a risk that we can't back out of. All of us. Some of us just feel lost on the road of life way more often than they should. An emptiness remains. Those who aren't made for this world, aren't here to fall, but they are here to change the world. I'm close. I'm damn close.

The Red Cups

Originally wrote this about these college fucks I'm surrounded by today. It makes me so sick how they go about living and 'enjoying' themselves. Just because I don't choose to trash myself on a nightly basis doesn't mean I'm boring, it just means I don't enjoy trashing myself on a nightly basis. The immaturity of these people is absolutely painful. I don't want to wish to be out of college when I'm still in my first semester, but I don't have much of a choice. I'm not at all like these people.

You poor souls. Look at you flaunting your insecurities all over the place. Seeking independence but in reality seeking everything but. Enclosing yourself in a box just tight enough that you can never reach outside of it. Every action a consequence against what the elders have laid out for us. Jumping on the bandwagon of rebellion with the rest of the world. It just doesn't work like that. To truly rebel, is to not be above or below the influence, but to be the influence. To truly rebel is to not react in a positive or negative manner towards anything, but to carry on with staggering sense of self regardless. To truly rebel is to inspire yourself, and free yourself from this very world. So to unite with a group of people to take an opposition against anything, makes you just as much a slave to conformity as your opposition.

A Beginning.

I just need a place to put this stuff. I need some way to get away from the "every day" and just be me. Who knows what this will become, chances are it will just remain a blog that gets a visit here and there. Not the point. But I have a lot of ideas stirring up in my head and I just need to get them out somewhere. A lot of things bother me, with life in general, with my own life, and I think it'd be a cool idea to discuss them here to see if anybody could give any feedback. I'm not putting this shit on facebook because when you get the public eye too involved with something, nobody will support you because too many people will be quick to jump all over you. That's not what this is about. Just to talk openly without any censoring (not that there will be any need anyway but still.) I want shit on here to get deep because I want to prove to people that there is nothing wrong with speaking what most of us feel anyway, we're just to afraid to admit to others and even ourselves sometimes. If you are reading this right now, I know that somewhere within you, you understand what I'm saying and can relate to that. With all of my heart do I thank you for reaching out even just a little bit, just to see what I see. My goal in life is to be free, to never once be damned into falling into order with the rest and to share my happiness with those who are willing to free themselves as well. Life stories, day-to-day experiences, quotes, aspirations, and whatever else you can think of will be shared here. Over the next few days, weeks, months or even years I'll be posting here. This is only here to see what I see, to see the world through my eyes. If you are reading this, and can relate to this, it does not matter who you are, I love you with all of my heart.